Six months of hell. And counting.

Lots of folks are wondering what has been going on with us lately. We've been waiting and hoping to share some good news, but it seems like we're going to have to wait a bit longer for that. So, we'll just come on and tell it without the good.

We've been trying to grow our family. And while we're apparently pretty fertile, we're not having luck with staying pregnant, for some reason. I have now had three miscarriages. All in the last six months. One in January. Another in early April, over Easter weekend. We are currently pregnant, and the second ultrasound that took place on Friday, showed the baby no longer has a beating heart and stopped growing probably a couple weeks ago. A missed miscarriage - the baby has died but my body hasn't figured it out yet, still acts like I'm pregnant. I believe at this point I can say, without being dramatic, that this has been the worst year of my life. Throw in most emotional, as well.

I had high hopes for 2012, but so far, it has not been good to us.

As you can imagine, we are crushed. broken. confused. defeated. worn down. These babies were so, so very wanted. There are tons of emotions going through us. I dealt with a lot of anger with the first miscarriage. Several days and nights were spent with me screaming at God, cursing at Him, throwing things at him (all in my mind)... I know He can handle all the anger I can throw at Him, and I needed to be able to go through that. Mostly now we're sad and confused and trying to sort through all other kinds of emotions and thoughts running through us.

We're also trying to make decisions about what is our next step in regards to miscarrying the baby (naturally or surgically); we're leaning toward allowing my body to try to do this naturally before relying on surgery. Meanwhile, I am still dealing with relentless nausea and taking medication for that. I have hyperemesis gravidarum, which means I have extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancies. This time around, it has been "mild," meaning I have mostly had the extreme, nonstop nausea which has been handled mostly by medication, though I'm still very restricted on what I'm able to stomach. We've worried that the mild HG might be an indication that this pregnancy would not last, but after the first ultrasound showing a heartbeat, we were more hopeful and considered me lucky with less severe symptoms this time. Regardless, it seems like some cruel joke that I've had to deal with these symptoms for a month now and will continue to have them until after the miscarriage has finished and my hcg levels return to zero, however long that will take, assuming we do it naturally. How unfair to have these symptoms when nothing is even coming from them.

As much as I hate to admit it, I kind of tried not to get as attached to this baby. But...how do you even do that?? It's nearly impossible. Ok, it is impossible - for me, at least. Lately I decided to give up on that and instead think positively and tell that little one to hang in there. I guess it doesn't really matter, and things will happen the way they're going to happen regardless. I've tried from the start of this pregnancy (which we found out about at less than three weeks along, so very early on) to prepare myself to lose another baby, but again, how do you do that? Nothing at all prepares you to lie there and see the screen with the ultrasound images, knowing the baby is supposed to have developed more, hearing nothing but silence. Until the ultrasound tech says it out loud and shows where the heartbeat should be seen. Nothing prepares you for that.

We have been fortunate to have wonderful friends and family supporting us through all of this over the last several months. The doctors office we have chosen has been incredible, as well. We chose the office specifically for its VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) reputation. Last year, we chose to put off having this baby for a year until we could change insurance to be able to see the doctors at that office. We love them for their views on VBACs and natural birth methods, but they have also been amazing in helping us deal with the first two miscarriages, preparing for HG and dealing with it during this pregnancy, and now are helping immensely as we figure out how to handle this next miscarriage. I've been so pleased with their friendly approach and just reaching out to me. Some have hugged me when they knew I was scared, some remembered me from blood work after the first miscarriage (when we returned for more blood work during this third pregnancy, months later), I have been reassured they are there to support me and answer any questions, however small or silly I might consider them to be. I have just felt so welcomed and supported there, which means more than I can say. We'll be seeing them more soon, of course, as we now meet the requirements for "recurrent miscarriage" and all the testing that goes along with trying to find out why suddenly I can't seem to stay pregnant. I've never had problems like this before, and we feel we are at our healthiest right now, so we're more than confused as to why this is happening now. Hopefully we can find some answers, though we know those odds aren't really in our favor. Most of the time, the cause is unknown.

Why post about something so personal, you might be wondering... I don't feel like this is something that should be taboo to talk about, for one thing. So many women have miscarriages, and despite how common it really is, it is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. It is emotionally and physically painful. Nobody should have to deal with it at all, but especially no one should go through it alone. While many of our friends do know about this, so many do not. And we're at the point where it will be harder and more exhausting to act as if things are great when we're around people who don't know than it would be just to say it is happening. I have a hard time putting up a facade and pretending things are ok when my world is falling apart. When we share what we're living through, we also are allowing others to pray for us and help us through this. This is not something we want to go through alone, and we don't wish to cut ourselves off from others who can help. Even though several friends and family do know about what we've been going through over the last 6 months, it's still been very easy to feel lonely. In fact, it's been a really lonely time for me, despite the support we have had. I can't imagine going through this with no support and how isolated one could easily feel. I've realized, since we shared the news of our first miscarriage with others close to us, that opening up about it helps others to open up about what they have been through or are even currently experiencing. I can't help but think maybe if more of us speak out about these things, someone else might feel comfortable reaching out and might feel less alone in their own pain from similar experiences.

In case you're wondering about the boys... Camden does know about this. He's too old to hide it from, and he's known about everything from the beginning. I don't think he quite knows how to feel about the losses, and he is very confused about why it keeps happening. He's at a good age, I guess, where he can understand logically what is going on and knows we're upset, but he isn't quite at the point where it truly upsets him a lot (and that's fine with us; we don't want him to be too upset about this). Aiden, however, is too young to get it, we believe. We haven't told him about the losses or the latest pregnancy, even though he knew I was sick. He was there when we had the ultrasound on Friday, and he had to witness me breaking down with the news about the baby. Thankfully, he has just accepted hearing that "mommy is sad" when he sees me crying, and he doesn't really question it. He's asked about the doctor and what they've said to me, but he has been ok with answers such as "mommy is ok" or that the doctor will help make me feel better. I feel bad not being completely honest with him, but we really don't think he would understand what is going on at his age. And honestly, maybe a part of this is that we're not sure how to deal with talking to a very young child about this. (Any others that have dealt with something like this are welcome to chime in with their thoughts.) 

So, here we are... We're not sure what the next few weeks will be like for us. I still have this baby in me that is not growing. Hopefully things can happen naturally, as we feel that is best and safest in many ways. But if we need to go through with it, we also have a D and C as a last resort. Either way, there will be pain. Lots of pain and lots of different kinds of pain. And then testing. And waiting for healing before we can move forward with trying again. I'm now realizing how naive I have always been about pregnancy. While I've always been in awe of how amazing it is, I'm now acutely aware of how difficult it truly is for all the million things that need to fall into place just right in order for a healthy baby to grow inside of my body. I have faith that we will have a successful pregnancy and have this next baby one day. We're not ready to give up. Our family is not yet complete. I don't understand at all why things are happening this way (trust me, I ask "why?" at least every five seconds), but I hope that one day I will be able to make more sense of it all.

I Need a Flower

When we have boo-boos in this house, kisses sometimes work. But more often, what is requested is a flower. Not just any flower, though.

Have you ever seen these?

Those little novelty "ice cubes" that you can find randomly here and there in stores, especially during the summertime. They're plastic and filled with who-knows-what. You pop them in the freezer and then use them in your drinks instead of ice. The draw is they don't melt or water down the drink. And they're cute and festive.

We don't use them for our drinks, though. Like I said, who knows what is in them. And they're made of plastic, so I'd rather them not be in what I'm drinking.

But they are *perfect* for little boo-boos!

Egg Challenge

We had another egg challenge for Aiden....um, three weeks ago. We've been a bit busy since then, had company, dealt with allergies, sickness, etc. So, yeah, I've been absent. Here's the scoop now, though...

We did get through the challenge this time, I guess. Five hours away from home, three hours for the challenge, and a LOT of stress. But Aiden did ok with the eggs, for the most part. He didn't eat a lot, though. The dr said based on what little he ate and how he seemed to be doing, we could gradually start introducing him to some baked items *at home* and see how he does with that. We have to be sure he's ok with that before moving on to pancakes/waffles; and then pancakes/waffles come before just plain cooked eggs. So, we'll see.

We thought the shirt was fitting for the occasion.

You can probably see where he was crying...

We were told to do it all gradually and take it easy - not introducing too much at a time or too often and just at home for now. It's been over a week now since the challenge, and we haven't made anything else with egg yet. He did have a bit of the "heated egg" dish they had us bring to the challenge (a baked good with egg in it). He didn't really eat much there, a couple bites maybe, but a couple days later at home, he ate a whole slice. Go figure! We were going to make some muffins with egg the week after the challenge, for a playdate we were having at home, but then Aiden came down with a virus. Playdate was canceled and so were the muffins - we wanted his system completely back to normal before introducing the eggs again.

 

Actually eating some egg...FINALLY!

It was very stressful trying to get Aiden to eat anything with egg. You know how hard it is to get a toddler to eat something he doesn't want to eat...then try doing that for three hours straight (and then add in some stranger trying to also convince him). Not fun. But he got a tiny bit of egg in him (sandwiched between some crackers) and ate a couple bites of a baked item they had us make. If he noticed there was egg, he spit it right out and then refused to eat anything. They even put some egg protein powder in a bit of yogurt that we brought (yogurt he normally loves!), and he wouldn't even consider trying that. Very frustrating...for us AND him. He only actually ate a little more than 1/4 of an egg during the visit, and he threw numerous fits. He did get red and had some hives on his chin where the baked item touched, and his upper lip was swollen, but eating the food didn't seem to do much, so there's a good chance he'll be ok with that. It seems like eggs touching him will give him a reaction still, but he should still outgrow that - and it doesn't bother him, which is nice.

Some of the hives on his chin (kind of hard to really see them in pictures) and a swollen upper lip from touching the baked egg product (pretty much like a sponge cake, just more egg-y)

So, I guess that was a successful visit. We were just all a bit exhausted from it and happy it's over. And while it sounds exciting to be able to start some eggs...it is, but we're going to take it one bite at a time.

Being cute with Daddy

This last week we received the official letter from the dr over the challenge at the hospital (for us, for our primary physician, and for the allergist). It kind of annoyed us b/c while there certainly was no serious reaction, the letter stated that there was NO cutaneous reaction, which is NOT true. I'm trying to figure out how much of an issue to make from that. (If you know me, it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I disagree.) The lady was out of our room for the last hour...in which the hives got redder and then were mostly gone before she returned. But we have a picture to prove it, as you can see in one of the pictures above. He did get hives on his chin and had a swollen lip from eating egg. That's annoying (the note from the lady over the challenge, that is). I realize our plan of action might not change if she was really aware of the reaction, but I don't like the main allergist believing Aiden had no reaction when he did have one, regardless of how small it was. He's had some muffins this past week with egg with no reaction. A recipe that made 23 muffins and had only one egg. But it's something.

(PS - For those reading this in facebook, remember I'm not on facebook during Lent, so if you want to comment, please follow the link to the actual blog post and comment there. Otherwise I won't get the comment and won't be able to respond until after Easter. Thanks!)

VBAC Update and New Plans

If you read my post from last week, you know we're wanting to go for a VBAC with our next baby (that is nonexistent at this point). We met with a dr within our network that had said they would "allow" us to do this, and we posted about the consultation. I'm not sure if my emotions showed through with that post; I really tried to keep them out. A main reason is because I wasn't having such great emotions in regards to the meeting. While the doctor said a lot of things we liked, there were a few things we did not...and my gut was not really feeling it. I walked out of there feeling uneasy and hesitant. After letting some of my feelings stew for a while and discussing things with Ryan, we both felt this OB office was not the one for us. We believe, and strongly, that if we stay with this office, our odds of having an emergency or scheduled c-section would be much too great.

For now, we have some good news and some bad news. 

The good news is, we have found a place we really like, one that we feel is our best chance at a successful VBAC. This practice is well-known in the community/state for being very VBAC-friendly, and they have plenty of experience in this area. It's also at another top hospital in the area (one of the two that we would consider - I'm sure it's an easy guess if you know where we are located). Not only that, but their philosophy toward pregnancy and delivery are way more in line with my own, which is awesome. I spoke extensively with a lady about my entire situation, including my hesitations about the other office, and she totally agreed with our concerns. Everything she had to say to me was exactly what I would want to hear (and at this point, I KNOW what I want to hear and am not easily misled), not only when it came to VBACs but also just regular care. She was so validating of what I felt (concerns, what I wanted, every little thing), which was a wonderful thing to experience.While speaking with her, I had this amazing sense of calm come over me, this sense of "this is where I am meant to be." I had to hold back tears during the call. Now, maybe all of that doesn't make sense to some people, and I'm not going to put my entire medical care in someone's hands SOLELY on my gut and intuition...but I also will not discount those feelings. They're there for a reason. Besides, I had my gut feelings AND factual information all in my favor here.

The bad news...this office is not in-network, so our insurance will not cover care there. We spoke with the insurance company and were told to write a letter explaining our reasons for requesting a benefit exception. Did we really expect them to make this allowance? Not really. We were hopeful but we were also realistic. We wrote an extensive letter that laid out the reasons we should be treated at this other out-of-network provider. We included all the ways this would save them money - because it would save them a LOT of money, really. We haven't received our actual response via email/postal mail...I'm hoping they will at least give their reasons in the response, but I'm not sure if they do that or not. I called earlier today and was given a quick (and not the most polite) response: DENIED. I was told they had emailed, but um...we've received nothing, and that was over six hours ago.

So, what does this mean? Well, it means we wait, though we're not 100% sure yet what all that means... We are waiting to see what their response is before we know if we can appeal and give them other specific information they request from us. Or we wait until we can change insurance providers. Open-enrollment, when we can elect to change insurance providers, is in the fall. We'll make the switch then to an insurance that we know will cover our care at this other practice. It will mean a higher monthly cost, but it will get us what we want and what we need. This isn't just us wanting something that is over the top. This is us wanting quality care that we need and deserve. It also means waiting a heck of a lot longer to get pregnant than we were planning. This is not really what we want, but as the chance at a VBAC and having a supportive doctor are crucial to us, if we need to wait, we wait. There are all kinds of emotions tied up in that; I won't lie. It's been a tough week and a half. There have been many hours staying up unable to sleep, many wild dreams about meeting with doctors, being pregnant, and all sorts of things. It's not been easy. But we're going to be realistic, logical, and we're going to do what it takes to get what we need. Even if that means waiting.

Now, I know some of you are wondering what is so important about having a VBAC anyway. I intend to address that. We aren't going into this because of some selfish desire for me to "experience" natural childbirth. Sure, I would love to go through that and deliver a baby on my own, the way my body was made to do. But no, that is not the reasoning. This is all for the health of a baby. We've done our research, we know the reasons for vaginally delivering a child, the risks and benefits of that versus any risks/benefits of having a cesarean section.We're going to put up some posts looking at all of that and explaining why this is so very important to us. But rest assured it's all about what is best and safest for baby (and what is safest for mother, too). Nothing selfish...unless you consider wanting the safest possible delivery selfish.

VBAC Consultation

Well, we had the big appointment yesterday. We went to visit the new OB office that had stated they would be supportive of a VBAC-2. We had a consultation, and friends and family that knew about our appointment are wondering how things went. This is the easiest way to share.

The couple days leading up to the appointment, I noticed myself getting more and more anxious. Nervous. Worried. All sorts of feelings. I didn't want to go in and have a dr say they would "allow" me to VBAC and then feed me all of these scare-tactics - or act great about it now and then try to scare me at the last minute. The day of the appointment was getting tough, and I sat myself down while Aiden was taking a super early nap and looked over some Bible verses to try to calm myself. This one kept jumping out at me, and it gave me what I needed to refocus and get to the appointment with a better frame of mind. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

I needed that reminder that God is with me and has a plan for me. He tells me not to fear, and sometimes I just need to stop and listen to that. 

I think we're still trying to process everything from the appointment. We were there for 45 minutes, and there was a lot of information. A lot. I can easily say that most of it was what we wanted to hear. Was all of it? Not necessarily. But MOST of it was. 

We went into our appointment with a list of questions. We were quite prepared. I've done a lot of reading, and Ryan has been trying to keep up and do some of his own. This isn't something we enter into lightly. Not at all. The doctor even said he could tell I was a reader (this did not sound at all like he was being condescending), and he seemed to really appreciate the fact that we completely understood all aspects of what we were considering and that we were highly motivated. 

One of the first questions the doctor asked me was what is my main concern. Really - I told him my BIGGEST concern was finding a provider that was supportive of doing a VBAC. It's true. And hopefully that won't be such a concern now... 

Here were our questions, and some of the answers...

• How many VBACs/VBAC-2s have you attended? Well, plenty. No number, but they obviously do it. This doctor appeared to be very practiced in this area and seemed like he had plenty of experience with everything we discussed. We're not worried about that.
• What is your success rate? He guesses around 70%, which is what is to be expected, from what we understand. Anything much lower would be a red flag.
• How many uterine ruptures have you witnessed? He differentiated between the different kinds...a small tear/rupture, which is basically a hole and would be found while doing a c-section and could be repaired easily and then a catastrophic rupture, which if addressed quickly enough can be handled well. He's seen both, not as many of the catastrophic but "a handful" of them. I was pleased that he differentiated between the types and didn't lump them together and make me feel like ruptures happened often and were all terrible. He made it sound manageable, even if there was a rupture, while also being very clear about the possible dangers, even with the catastrophic ones.
• Do you have any standard VBAC protocols that differ from a non-VBAC mom? Only attending can order pitocin.
• How do you handle post-date pregnancies (going over 40 weeks)? Another thing we aren't thrilled about but want to ask more questions now that we've been home and have been thinking more about it. (This is one of the two things he said that we didn't LOVE.) He did say they wouldn't want me to go too much over 40 weeks....but if I went over, it would depend on if I was showing signs of labor, etc. If I was, they would give me a bit more time. If I wasn't doing anything, they might want to then schedule a section. They will *not* induce (which is exactly what we want to hear - induction is not desired, esp with a VBAC). I would rather have a dr that would allow me to go a week or even longer over a due date, assuming everything with mom and baby. This does not make me a glutton for punishment; it means I am aware that a due date is an estimation and my body and the baby are better at knowing when the time is right versus a date someone marks on a calendar. We'll discuss this more with him/other doctors later on to hear their reasoning. He did seem to be fairly flexible and not wanting to just rush to a c-section the second I would turn 40 weeks, but still. Something we want to consider more.
• What is your philosophy on big babies? This is in there b/c some doctors think if you have a "big baby" (which is hard to determine - guesses are often wrong) that you should automatically have a section. He seemed to not think this and is not scared by the fact that my first baby was 11lbs and my second was 8lbs11oz. Actually (and surprisingly), that 11-pounder works in my favor in this case! As he said, he would be a bit more hesitant if I had pushed for so many hours and had not been able to push out a 7lb baby...but it's easy to understand why I couldn't push out an 11-pounder after several hours. Anyway, big babies don't seem to scare him. That's good.
• What kind of monitoring do you require? IV. Just in case. I won't be able to walk around hallways, but I can move around in the room as long as I'm attached to that. They'll obviously want to monitor the baby more closely, just to be aware of any possible signs of distress. Not something I love, but I do understand.
• Do you perform an automatic c-section if waters have been broken for more than 24 hours, even if there is no evidence of infection and mom and baby are fine? He said they don't base it on a certain time schedule, it all depends on whether or not the baby is in distress and I'm progressing at a decent pace without stalling. What I wanted to hear.
• Do you have a time limit on how long my labor can be before you c-section me? Same answer as above. What I wanted to hear.
• What is a reasonable length of time for VBAC labor if I'm healthy and my baby appears to be healthy? Can't really tell; it's dependent on factors other than simply time. Mostly same answer as above. These questions are mostly to determine if the dr will be quick to section if the labor isn't moving quickly. We don't want that. We want a dr who will allow the labor to go as it naturally will, assuming mom and baby are healthy. This doctor does NOT seem to be trigger-happy for surgery. We even discussed why some doctors might push for a c-section, and he let me know that shouldn't be a problem there. (Some reasons can be having to do with time. Would the dr rather have a nice easy, scheduled section at 8am or have to stick around for a day and a half while mom labors? Money... C-sections obviously cost more. Resources. VBACs require a lot of resources on hand in case of an emergency section, which also means everyone is on high alert. Yes, a lot of resources are needed for a planned section, but when they're worried about a rupture and a baby being in danger, they want to be prepared and have ALL of those resources at the ready. You could tell he didn't agree with some of these reasons - the first couple that were more convenience-driven. And at Duke and with this office who deals with riskier pregnancies, they also clearly have the resources right there.)
• Do you require IV or helplock? Yes. IV.
• Am I permitted to move and deliver in my position of choice? Seems to be fine, as long as I'm still on the IV. Also what we wanted to hear. Lying on one's back is actually the least effective mode for pushing, and I want to be able to do whatever position my body works with best and whatever position helps to reduce chances of a stalled labor leading to a c-section. Who knows what that would be, but I don't want a dr who tells me I have to be on my back simply b/c I'm a VBAC.
• What do you think are my chances of having a successful VBAC-2, given my childbirth history? He thinks I'm a great candidate and will likely fit into the 70% that are successful. Odds are in my favor at *this* point, based on history and my current health, motivation, etc. Aside from my motivation and health, my history helps - the reason for my first c-section, the scars that I have (or how minimal they are) and how easy it was for the dr performing Aiden's c-section to get in quickly. The fact that I'm not large or overweight also helps a lot. Why? Because if he has to very quickly get in for a c-section, in case of emergency, a lot of excess weight (just like extra scarring) can hinder him being able to do that quickly. Basically, I don't have much working against me. Let's hope it stays that way. They will monitor me closely in regards to my placenta placement (multiple c-sections make it more likely my placenta could cover my uterine scar, which is not good, and they also can increase my chances for issues such as placenta previa and abruption). 
• What can I do during my pregnancy to help increase the chances of a successful VBAC? He looked at Ryan and told him that *he* would like this answer... As often as possible during the last trimester. Haha! But really...just staying healthy and motivated. Both of which I won't have a problem with doing.

The other thing we didn't LOVE was the fact that he said they would want me to have an epidural during the labor. I really want to do it naturally, no epidural. I understand the logic. If there is an emergency, they want me already medicated and want to be able to easily add more to numb me for surgery. At the same time, I also know that having the epidural automatically puts me at higher risk for having a c-section, for many reasons. So, we're not thrilled about this. He did say I could control the amount and could use the least amount possible during labor. We still want to discuss this farther and make sure we understand exactly what they would require and think about it more ourselves. Ryan thinks he heard the doctor say, after I explained I wanted as natural a labor as possible and that I was hesitant about an epidural, that they would just need to have me ready for it, have everything in, and that way they could just administer the actual epidural if a section was suddenly needed. I am not sure I remember hearing that. BUT if they can have it in and he's told me I can control the amount before they *need* it for a surgery, it would make sense that they could also just have me prepped and not actually inject it until the time...right? We're going to try to ask about this sooner than another appointment, maybe emailing him, if he will respond.

Another problem with the epidural, which I totally didn't think about while in the office (seriously, if I don't have it written down, it doesn't get said!) is that epidurals/spinals make me EXTREMELY sick. I threw up all through Camden's surgery and the next couple days. I was pumped FULL of Zofran during Aiden's section, but during recovery the nurses always waited until I was on the floor throwing up before giving me more (how fun do you think that is when you've just had abdominal surgery?!), even though I would tell them while I was still in bed how sick I was. It was horrible, and I don't want to have to worry about throwing up the entire time I'm in labor and for days afterward. I know they can also give me the Zofran with the epidural, but I also don't want to be so medicated (or medicated at all)! So, we'll also need to mention this to him... Ugh. Just thinking about it is making me miserable. I was so loving the thought that a natural labor would mean not having to deal with all of that awfulness.

So, there are two things we were told that we didn't completely LOVE. For the most part, we were very happy with what we were told, though. But those two things are bugging us and giving us plenty to think about for a while. We already have a list of questions for the next time we go in...which could be a while b/c we won't be due back until we are actually pregnant. I suppose we could call or email, but talking in person is best with this kind of thing. Actually, some of it we might email about - parts that we want to be clear we understand.

Another concern we had, knowing this was a large office, was how other doctors in the practice would feel about us doing this VBAC-2 and would some be more likely to push for a section once in labor, especially if we weren't progressing as quickly as they wanted. Of course, some will be more section-happy than others, but he thought as motivated as we were, with me being a good candidate, etc, etc, that we shouldn't have a problem with that. He also stated that, as head of the department, he would have a say in how they treated us and would let it be known we are to be supported in trying for a trial of labor and delivery. Really, he was very pro-VBAC. He never made it sound like anyone in the office would be against the VBAC - just that some might push a surgery after a prolonged labor sooner than others. We never felt like we were trying to convince him; from the start he was very supportive and encouraging. It was such a positive experience. I was really nervous about the consultation beforehand, but the second he started talking, I immediately felt much better about the whole thing. 

He even gave me an article to read....and this wasn't an article trying to show how dangerous VBAC-2s were; it's a review with a meta-analysis (a research article that uses information from multiple studies, looking at various components, etc) that compares the risks/success rates/adverse outcomes with VBAC-1, VBAC-2, and RCS (repeated c-sections, specifically a third c-section for this article). It was actually very interesting, especially when it showed that there were no significant differences in all three groups when looking at neonatal unit admission rates and asphyxial injury/neonatal death rates. I appreciate a doctor who is trying to back up the safety of what I'm trying to do with others' research instead of trying to use scare tactics to get me to do something else.

Here's a snip-it from the article, if you're interested. This is from the abstract, so it's brief. Interesting stuff. I kind of felt like I was back in college/grad school reading this article. ;)

VBAC-2 success rate was 71.1%, uterine rupture rate 1.36%, hysterectomy rate 0.55%, blood transfusion 2.01%, neonatal unit admission rate 7.78% and perinatal asphyxial injury/death 0.09%. VBAC-2 versus VBAC-1 success rates were 4064/5666 (71.1%) versus 38 814/50 685 (76.5%) (P < 0.001); associated uterine rupture rate 1.59% versus 0.72% (P < 0.001) and hysterectomy rates were 0.56% versus 0.19% (P = 0.001) respectively. Comparing VBAC-2 versus RCS, the hysterectomy rates were 0.40% versus 0.63% (P = 0.63), transfusion 1.68% versus 1.67% (P = 0.86) and febrile morbidity 6.03% versus 6.39%, respectively (P = 0.27). Maternal morbidity of VBAC-2 was comparable to RCS. Neonatal morbidity data were too limited to draw valid conclusions, however, no significant differences were indicated in VBAC-2, VBAC-1 and RCS groups in NNU admission rates and asphyxial injury/neonatal death rates (Mantel–Haenszel).

Aside from VBAC/c-section stuff, we also asked how they treat Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), knowing going into the next pregnancy that I have this condition, which is known for being worse with each pregnancy (yay...). He first said to start taking Vitamin B6 before getting pregnant. Get Unisom once pregnant. I've heard a lot about using both of these for HG, so I wasn't too surprised. I appreciated this b/c he didn't automatically jump to medicating like the other office we currently visit have - they say to just get right on Zofran. And yes, this still means taking supplements/medication...but it's the lowest level before going on other medications such as Zofran, which I was on during the entire pregnancy with Aiden (that and phenergan). I would rather try what he suggested first and hopefully not have to take Zofran or maybe at least  put off taking it or not have to take it as long as before. He also discussed eating and drinking...being sure to drink caloric beverages but not to worry about eating if I couldn't. Maybe, he said, we're really designed not to eat much during that time and that's why we get so nauseous; that first trimester is when so many important things are forming in a baby, and it's when toxic ingredients, chemicals, etc, will be most dangerous. This is a whole other topic, BUT we really appreciated how he answered. Learning what his approach is to various things was helping us feel we could trust him more. He did say if we needed medication, we needed it. And I agree, but we'll start with these other things first. (My fingers are crossed! How I would love to not have to take medication for another entire pregnancy...)

So, for the most part we were very pleased. We do still have a few things to ask about. I forgot to ask how they feel about me having a doula around, in case we want to go in that direction, which we are considering. He happened to mention they are looking into having midwives working with them, and I really liked hearing that. Like he said, having a midwife there with us will help increase our chances with a VBAC b/c midwives are typically very against any unnecessary c-section. (He spoke about this in a positive way, which is good. Some doctors are pretty against having doulas or midwives around.) And we want to ask more about the post-date stuff and get more information on the epidural aspect.

But overall - fairly positive. I hope the rest of the doctors are as personable and assuring as he is. We really liked how he spoke with us and what his approach seemed to be. (He wasn't crazy about the fact that we don't get the flu shot, but that's a whole other topic. And just because he thinks it's a good idea doesn't mean we have to do it. Because we won't. But I digress...) We're looking forward to asking some more questions and seeing him in the future. And if it comes to it and we don't feel comfortable, we have one more avenue to explore - another office that we hear is very VBAC (and VBAC-2) friendly...but there might be some issues with insurance and navigating that would surely be a lot of fun. 

If any of you know some things to share about VBACs, suggestions, questions, or whatever, please comment away. We would love to hear what they are! Please keep it nice, though. We're seeking support here. Anything that's pushy in the opposite direction will not be appreciated. Not to say that if you have genuine concerns or questions you can't share that, but we would appreciate no rude remarks. :) Thanks so much! 

Oh, and if you're curious about WHY we're hoping for a VBAC-2, I'm happy to explain. But that's a topic for another post. This one is long enough. ;)

Meal Plan and other things...

I'm getting around to it, finally.  Made this up on Saturday for grocery shopping, but we've had an interesting weekend... Aiden started coming down with a cold suddenly on Saturday, and be evening, he was feeling warm. He had a fever all night, threw up around midnight and then when he ate breakfast, and he was up all throughout the night sneezing. The throwing up was not a stomach bug but was due to all the mucous he was dealing with... Every time he sneezed, snot launched a couple feet. I kid you not. He ran a fever all day Sunday and was pretty pitiful. Still launching snot all day and throughout the night Sunday night. He's been fever-free since Sunday evening, but he still is sneezing, coughing, and just has a ton of mucous bothering him. Nobody is sleeping well b/c he's constantly waking from the coughing or sneezing, all of which seem to hurt him. Mama's sinuses haven't been feeling great ever since Sunday. Aiden and I haven't hardly slept for the last three nights (Ryan's been up a bit, too; just not quite as much as mama), so we're all pretty exhausted.

AND then there's Camden...Now, last week on Valentine's Day, Camden comes home with a hurt finger. He was picking up his books at school (at 11am), when someone happened to trip and fall on his finger in a funny way. When he got home at 3pm, it was still swollen twice its size, and he couldn't move it. A trip to the urgent care center showed no break but a really deep bruise, and he came home with his finger in a splint. This made things a bit more challenging for him b/c it was the hand he writes with...but turns out a finger in a splint wasn't so bad, after all. Fast forward to Sunday afternoon, and Camden comes in from playing soccer in the cul de sac. He was playing with some friends that he plays with all the time. They don't play rough, don't tackle, and it's rare anyone gets hurt at all. This time, some boys Camden normally doesn't play with joined in. He normally doesn't play with them b/c they're so rough. So, one of them side-tackled Camden and knocked him down. Trying to catch himself, Camden ends up putting out his arm and bends his elbow in the wrong direction, hyperextending it. Talk about being in pain - he was in *severe* pain. It was hard seeing him in so much pain. :( Back to the urgent care center for x-rays before they close... While it's hard to tell based on the x-ray, they're sure there is a fracture. They set his arm up in a semi-cast and sling with instructions to call an orthopedist in the morning. Got in to see the orthopedist, and they say the same thing...seems to be a fracture, but they can't say for sure yet. They put on another cast that has his arm at a better angle, and we'll return next week for more x-rays, by which point it should be easier to see if there is a crack, after it has had some time to heal and for swelling to go down. If there is a crack, he'll have a better cast put on.

This injury happened on the same arm as his finger injury. Poor kid. And doing things like homework, showering, eating, and all sorts of things have suddenly become more interesting, challenging...and call for parental participation a heck of a lot more! Ha.

So, needless to say, we've been spending a lot more time on some other things around here. And things that can get put off have gotten put off.

But if you're interested, here is what's on the menu this week.

Sunday
Dinner: Egg-free pancakes. Finally found a successful way to make them egg-free. These are really good! Fried potatoes (oh yum - I felt the need to fit these into our menu this week), and chicken/apple sausage. OJ to drink. The website that had the pancake recipe has a lot of allergy-friendly dishes...I'm eager to try some of her other recipes! Some look and sound really yummy.

Monday
Lunch: Sweet potato and apple casserole. Camden, who hates sweet potatoes, LOVES this dish. It smells like apple pie, and he says it tastes like it, too. I'm not sure I entirely agree because it does have sweet potatoes. But if anti-sweet potato Camden loves this dish, that's saying something... Aiden happens to be quite happy with just plain baked sweet potato and sliced apples. I'm happy with those on their own as well, but I also want Camden to find ways to like sweet potatoes, so I'm sure to make this dish for his lunches sometimes, too! :) We also had some hummus and pretzels.
Dinner: Beef & Lentils, green beans, bread, and apple slices. So, this is one of my most favorite dishes ever. Ever. This is the ultimate comfort food to me, for some reason. I should probably post the recipe soon...but think ground beef, lentils, a bit of rice, some seasonings including cumin (this is the dish to blame for my love for cumin - I smell that stuff and immediately think of beef and lentils, which is a good thing to me). My mom made this when I was younger, and I remember eating it with green beans and ketchup. I still eat it that way. I took the recipe my mom based hers on and made it into a crockpot dish. I was so proud when I finally got it just right, all on my own. ;)

Tuesday
Lunch: Well, we ate finger foods on the way to my afternoon (meaning right at naptime - had no other choice) doctor appt. Since the little guy has not been sleeping at night, he took his nap shortly after 10am, and I had to wake him to leave in time for the appt. He ate on the way and then snacked while there. Puffs, banana, apple, and an allergy-friendly snack bar (that he loves but is expensive, so we only pull them out on special occasions where we need him to be quiet...).
Dinner: Slow-cooker Vegetarian Chili with Sweet Potatoes (thanks for passing this on, Katie!!). I thought this was really good, and it helped to have a crockpot dish, since we weren't sure what time we would be home from our dr appt. Ryan thought it was good, Camden didn't really care for it, and Aiden never even tried it (toddlers can be so much fun sometimes...). We also had pb sandwiches with the chili. Added sour cream, cheese, and then ate tortilla chips with the chili. I added some corn to the chili (trying to get the kids to like it more) and added a bit of sugar, too. I didn't quite have the right amount of chili powder, and Ryan thought the chili was too bland, so I should at least be sure to have the proper amount of seasonings next time, huh? ;)

Wednesday
Lunch: Sweet potato and apple casserole, avocado, and maybe some green smoothie
Dinner: Beef & lentils, some veggie yet to be determined, and some fruit. Maybe some rolls, too.

Thursday
Lunch: Tuna, apple, raisin salad
Dinner: Parm chicken with pasta, zucchini boats (new recipe a friend sent a while back and I've been wanting to try)

Friday
Lunch: Tuna, apple, raisin salad
Dinner: Chicken tortilla soup (trying it out)

Saturday
Leftovers!!

I'm starting to notice how many weelicious recipes I make every week, especially now that I'm linking to recipes that are online in these posts... Obviously we're a fan. ;)

VBACs, Migraines, and other fun stuff

So, yesterday wasn't the most fun day ever. Could have been worse, I'm sure, but I'm certainly glad it wasn't. It started off with a small headache and just got worse from there... This post isn't just to gripe, though. It's about something I'm hoping to experience and to explain what a blessing my family is. My boys, all three of them, are incredible. :)

I had a dr appt in the morning, which means driving far from home because all of our doctors are at least three or four cities away...driving is often an hour or so, each way. Fun. I went in for a follow-up. Things were fine, but the doctor mentioned at one point (about a cyst on my ovary that wasn't changing any) that when we got pregnant again, I could just have the doctor take a look at it during the c-section. She knows I've had two and so it's assumed any more with also be sections. Well, that was a good segue into a topic that I wasn't really planning on bring up right then but would come up eventually, so I went on and brought it up... VBACs. (For anyone that doesn't know, VBAC means Vaginal Birth After Cesarean).

The problem is, not only have I had one section...but two. The first was absolutely necessary. While baby fat might squish, baby heads can only get so much smaller and no more. Camden had a very large head. After a very intense and painful labor and a few hours of pushing, an emergency c-section was necessary because his head literally would not fit through. Aiden's section...was planned. (And my what a difference between an emergency and planned! Wow.) They heard how big Camden was (11lbs - what's the big deal?) and said no way to a VBAC. At that time, we were not sure which way to go, and so we went along with what they said. Now that I know more, I wish we hadn't. But we did. What's done is done. Aiden wasn't nearly as big as expected. He still came in at 8lbs 11oz, but that's no 11-pounder. And not a big head. The big head comes from Camden's dad, so there's obviously no concern about that from this point on. The weight comes from my side, but I'm not concerned about that, either - remember, it squishes. The head was the problem.

While many places will attempt a VBAC after one section, depending on the reason for the surgery, it's harder to find people that will go for a VBA2C. My dr said they did attempt VBACs (after 1) but she didn't think they did them after 2, and on the way out, she ran into another dr in the practice who said, nope, they don't. I walked out feeling really defeated. Really. Some people will say, what's the big deal? There are risks to having VBACs. Well, yes, but there are more risks to having multiple c-sections. I want to at least have those risks weighed, look at all pros and cons of either possibilities, see what not only affects me now but also when it comes to possibly having more children, etc, etc. I might go into this more (the reasons, risks, etc) in another post at another time. But it's important to me to be given the opportunity if it is possible. There are a number of reasons. And having that option taken away...well, like I said, I felt very defeated.

On the way home, headache was getting worse. It started out a headache, now it's getting to migraine status. Quickly. We haven't decided why yet, but I've been getting them a lot lately (as in over the last six months or more - took me a while to realize they were migraines, and they've continued to get worse lately).

Then Aiden falls asleep on the way home. This is not good. Sometimes he'll go to his bed after falling asleep; sometimes not. If you saw the post on his night terrors, you know why his nap is important. Now I'm regretting having the appt so close to lunchtime, but there really wasn't a choice. And...of course, he doesn't nap once home. We tried. Really tried.

By then, my migraine was getting really bad. It soon reached the point where it might very well be the worst I have ever had. By the time Camden gets home from school, I'm lying on the couch, pretty much not able to function. He was the sweetest thing ever, trying to take care of me. He offered me something to eat about every five seconds, which was a tiny bit annoying...but I'll take that over ignoring me. It really was sweet, though, and he was so caring. I love being reminded of what a great kid he is. Aiden, who can't stand anyone to lie down (or pretend they're sleeping), finally got the hint that mom didn't feel well and showed a bit of sweetness, too. At one point, he was climbing to sit next to me, and he bumped my head really hard with his - right where my head was throbbing. I covered my face so he wouldn't see me crying about it (man, it hurt!), but he did notice after a while. He patted my face softly and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Mommy. I'm sorry." (Sniff! Sweet child.) When Ryan called to say he was on his way home (you know mama is sick if she asks him to come home...and without even hinting about it first, too!), Camden took the call. I lifted my head up to hear something over speaker-phone, and Aiden gently tried to push my head back down and said, "No, go to sleep." Seriously, how sweet are my kids?! This is totally unlike Aiden, so he must really have understood I wasn't feeling well. It did take a while...first he kept shoving toys in my face and trying to play on top of me or tell me to get up. But still.

Ryan got home around 5:00 or so, and I went up to bed. Thank God I have an awesome husband that is willing (and able) to come home a little early and just take over with everything. I didn't get to sleep until 10pm or later, but it still was nice to lie in bed, in the dark. Aiden came up for his bedtime to nurse, and then he just stayed there and slept next to me. Since he didn't nap, we were worried about a bad night, and I didn't want to have to get up in the middle of the night. He actually did fairly well. A couple times he moaned some and kicked his legs around, tossed and turned some. I was worried it would get worse, but it really didn't. Maybe he should just start out in bed with us more often...

Anyway, it was a rough day. Worst headache ever. I even had nausea with this one, and I never have that. Woke up with a tiny bit of a headache this morning, but it was the kind I can ignore and still go on about my day. That's good because it was my turn to host a playdate, and I really didn't want to cancel! So, we were able to have friends over and have a great time. Aiden is now napping right on schedule. Today is a much better day.

Now, back to the VBAC issue... I love our ob/gyn office. I really do. And so I was very disappointed to have my bubble burst before leaving. But later the dr emailed me saying that some folks over AT Duke *would* consider letting me labor and try for a natural delivery (no induction, though, which is fine with me). The practice I see is affiliated with Duke but not located in the hospital. This other group is associated with the high risk ob dept, I believe. So, hopefully we can soon set up a prepregnancy appointment and see if they can do a risk-analysis and see what they say. (Um, don't assume this means much of anything. We are not pregnant right now. We're big on planning ahead. And this is not something you want to discuss and plan AFTER getting pregnant...) I'm not betting yet that this means I definitely will get to try for a natural delivery, but I'm hopeful that it might mean I have a chance. I know other things could get in the way, too, such as a chance of placenta previa (which I dealt with during both previous pregnancies), etc. Hopefully none of that will be a concern, but you never know. We'll just have to wait and see what they think after hearing my history, etc. Not sure how soon that will happen, but I'll update.

Egg Challenge

And a challenge it was....

We went to Duke today for Aiden's food challenge, to see if he had outgrown his egg allergy. We were preparing for a long day, as we would have to be there for quite a while. We were concerned he might not even eat the egg, a very good possibility. We were worried he might be grumpy, as the appointment was during naptime (these things are hard to schedule, even months in advance, so you have to take what you can get).

He ended up being well-behaved, despite a grumpy morning at home. He got along well with the nurse and really well with the doctor running the show. He did not, however, eat the eggs. We made them ahead of time and brought other things to eat with them, but none of that helped. When we finally convinced him to put some egg in his mouth, he immediately spit it out. And he can be rather stubborn, so there was no convincing him to keep trying it.

He still ended up with hives on his face, near his lip, where the egg had touched. BUT that's not what was in question. The challenge was to determine if he could safely EAT the eggs. We don't really know the answer to that! Who knows what reaction he might have if he ate eggs. (When he had his big reaction on his first birthday, he didn't actually get any of the food IN his mouth. It all went ON his body.) The doctor kept us there until the hives disappeared, which meant we were still at the hospital for nearly two hours. He wasn't all that interested in the movies they had in the room, and it was a challenge to keep him in the small hallway next to our room. He did his best to trick me once so he could take off running in the other direction; he's rather clever... And fast.

So, the plan is to keep eggs off the list and we will return in February for another try. (They also refunded our specialist co-pay, which was nice, since it's not especially cheap.) We asked about bringing in a muffin or something with egg cooked in it, to see if he could at least tolerate that, in case he wouldn't eat the eggs again (we think it's a texture issue). They have a recipe we can use for that, so we'll make that, along with the regular scrambled eggs they require. They will try just eggs first, because if he can pass that, he's in the clear. If he won't eat it, then we'll resort to the baked good. If he can do ok with that, it will mean he can eat certain baked goods, which will make eating out a bit easier...that would mean pasta, bread, muffins, etc is ok. (Apparently pancakes/waffles would still be off the list b/c of how quickly they are cooked.) Honestly, we've gotten fairly used to not using eggs at home, but eating out is a challenge. You would be surprised at how many places have egg in their bread, dough, and just so much. But really, keeping him off eggs for another four months isn't the biggest challenge, so we can deal with it. We've done it for over a year now. It's not the end of the world.

All in all, this all made for a rather long day with no real answers. (Didn't we just go through something similar...our last visit? Ahhhh...) But it could always be worse, right? Once again, on the way out, we saw another child in much worse condition. (This is easy when you're visiting Duke Children's Hospital, right? That or God is really trying to show me a sign.) Makes me so grateful for how healthy Aiden IS. Things can be challenging and frustrating sometimes, but none of this is really hurting him (heck, in many ways, it's making us much healthier!) and he is still in good health. Many other kids aren't. We'll focus on counting the many blessings we have.

Playing Detective... More food allergies!

So, here's the scoop...

We started noticing some hives on Aiden a little over six weeks ago. We first thought we knew exactly what it was, but after taking that away...hives remained, even a week later. Then two weeks later. We made a couple other changes. They still remained. They were small hives...on his chest and back at first, then they started appearing on his face a little bit. Then even more. Sometimes they were small, but they started getting bigger.

(Thinking back now, I remember Ryan commenting that Aiden's back felt kind of bumpy a number of times, but we didn't think much of it at the time. This was back before the hives actually appeared. Now we know this was the beginning of them.)

So, we took dairy out of his diet, since it's a common allergen and can cause eczema, which we've had our fair share of with Aiden. After a week, nothing was changing, and the hives were showing up more and bigger. We were constantly finding them after dinner each night. Then we decided to go a little more drastic. Since we had NO idea what was causing the hives, and they were clearly getting worse, we took him (and me, since Aiden is still nursing) off lots of foods that could be causing the problem...most of the top allergens, any citrus foods, including tomatoes, and just a whole bunch of things. A lot of these foods are Aiden's favorites and many of our staple foods, bu we were starting to feel desperate at this point. We had to find out what was causing these hives that would NOT go away. We have been calling and calling the allergist trying to get in sooner than our already-scheduled follow-up (from last year's egg fiasco) that is at the end of October...too far away.

Well, this past week, the hives continued, despite the special (and not so fun) diet. (Actually, Aiden didn't mind the diet, but it took mama a few days to adjust.) In fact, the hives were just getting worse still. This was starting to get very frustrating. We knew something he was eating was causing this, but we couldn't figure out what in the world it was. We're already so careful with what we feed him, and we haven't given him anything new since the hives began (way too long ago). We kept calling the dr office, to no avail. The dr we see is only in that office so often, and he's at the hospital other days during the week...but he only sees ER patients and current hospital patients when there. BUT a friend of ours works at the hospital, was able to pull some strings to get us an appointment in a week and a half. That's a lot closer than two months!

Of course, right after that, we think we figure it out. One evening, I wondered if it could be cinnamon. He broke out in hives at dinner...a dinner that should be perfectly safe. But I had sprinkled cinnamon on something so he would try it. (He loves cinnamon!) I wasn't sure what else could cause the hives. The next morning, I swiped some cinnamon on his cheek. Nothing. So, moving on... I had also made these super-yummy muffins Ryan's mom had given me the recipe for. Everything was safe for him to eat, and I replaced the eggs with alternatives. Aiden had already eating them with breakfast and after dinner a couple times, and they seemed fine. (But after that dinner, some mystery hives appeared around his mouth.) For snack this day, Aiden ate one or two muffins and nothing else, and then a couple hives appeared on his cheek. He had some muffins the day before with no problems, so I was a bit confused. Swiped some cinnamon on his face again, and his cheek got a little pink. So, maybe something in the muffin was causing the problem after all. The next day, this past Friday, at breakfast, he had another muffin. I also swiped his cheek again with just a little cinnamon. He scratched at it, whined, and said "No cinnamon!" He scratched his tongue a little bit, too. His cheek got really red where the cinnamon touched. But then...the hives.

This is the first time he's had hives anywhere other than the top third of his body. His ENTIRE body had hives. And much bigger and redder than before. I'm very thankful that hives don't irritate Aiden. Any time he's had them, he doesn't really seem to be bothered by or really even aware of them. All this time, the only thing that's bothered him is our constant inspecting.

Now, at first, I kept thinking something else had to be causing the hives, too, b/c we just don't eat a lot of cinnamon. Sometimes when Aiden has sweet potatoes, he asks for cinnamon, but not always - not even most of the time. We don't eat a lot of baked goods, and many of the muffins we make don't have cinnamon. These muffins that really brought out the hives happened to have a lot of cinnamon. BUT after some thinking, it dawned on me....I have been making homemade granola for a while now, at least a couple months. The recipe I make has 1/2 Tbsp of cinnamon, and it makes quite a lot of granola (about two cereal boxes worth). So, not much cinnamon, but he was eating it regularly. He hasn't had it the past week or two because he was eating more of other cereals for some reason - maybe he knew something we didn't; he suddenly hasn't been asking for it! But the granola is likely to be what was causing the smaller hives, with the repeated exposure of even such a small amount of cinnamon.

Then we introduced the larger amount via the muffins, which is how we discovered this was the allergen. We're viewing them as a blessing in disguise since the cinnamon was strong enough that it made the reaction very obvious for us. He ate dinner a few nights not long ago and broke out in hives, too. Looking back, we know he had A1 steak sauce one evening (barely any, but it contains "spices"...not sure if there is cinnamon, but he did break out in hives after eating). Another night, he had some mustard and a little bit of hot dog and ended dinner with more hives. Both have "spices." So, we're not sure, but we suspect they all have cinnamon in them. That or there is another allergy.

So, we know at least cinnamon is an allergen for him. This will not be a fun one. We thought eggs were hard enough... Now I think God was easing us in! The problem with cinnamon? Well, for one, it's not one of the top 8 allergens, which are required by law to be clearly labeled on products...meaning cinnamon is NOT required to be labeled. Cinnamon is often used with other spices, and you will more often see the label "spices" or "natural flavorings" listed in ingredients, rather than the specific spices, such as cinnamon! Another thing...it is in SO much! Not just baked goods. The other day someone was talking to us about the allergy, and they said, "Oh, well that's not a bad one to have. Maybe even a good one!" meaning it would keep someone from eating a lot of baked goods. Um, no. Not the case. Plenty of savory foods contain cinnamon, such as spaghetti sauce and pizza...even ketchup and other common sauces. Oh, this will be fun, right? HA. I've read it's not a very uncommon allergy, actually. But it also seems like for most, the problem is contact dermatitis, so it's mainly a problem if someone has it touch them, and they'll get a little red and irritated where it touched their skin, even in their mouth maybe. For Aiden, it's clear this is way more than that. After consuming the one muffin, the hives covered his entire body. I've also read this is an allergen that easily gets worse over time, not better. We've already seen Aiden's reactions get worse with repeated exposure, but I know it could be much worse, and hopefully that won't happen.

A friend recently asked what about the fact that he's had cinnamon before? Well, up until this summer, he really hasn't had much. We haven't been avoiding it on purpose, he just simply hasn't had much. Blame some of the other allergy stuff and special diets he's been on...with already having eggs out of the picture and then going on a gluten-free diet for however many months, we really didn't bake. When you throw in us not letting him eat many sugary foods, there went any baked goods he might have had. He has had it some on oatmeal or sweet potatoes, but he really doesn't use the spice that often even with those foods. So...his exposure really has been minimal until we started making this granola. And then he was exposed regularly, even if it was just a tiny bit at a time.

We will still be going for testing, of course. We still wonder if he has other food allergies, due to random hives that have appeared over the last year. And we want to be sure we are correct about this allergy. Plus, we're not sure if he's allergic just to cinnamon or if he has tree allergies, in general (cinnamon would be included under that umbrella).

We're learning how many things actually have this spice in them, and we've already spent a good amount of time calling or emailing companies. I have a feeling we're going to be learning how to make a lot more things from scratch. I didn't think that was too possible, but apparently it is. Homemade ketchup anyone?

Aiden's still had some hives pop up over the weekend and this week. Saturday wasn't unexpected, since it was the day after the big reaction, but even today there are still red hives appearing, disappearing, reappearing, etc. The other day, I went to swipe something else on his cheek, and when Aiden saw my finger coming at his face, he screamed, "NO Cinnamon!!" I think he's already terrified of the stuff. :( Maybe that's a good thing? Not fun, though. We'll see what happens with his appointment soon. Until then, we're going to try to relax a little about it all, avoiding cinnamon, of course.

Well, the weekend got off to a good START...

Friday went pretty well...

First, Aiden had an appointment with a new dermatologist, who was absolutely great with him. She played with him for the longest time and looked over him, kneeling on the floor so he could continue to play with his cars the whole time. We've been dealing with some bad eczema flare-ups for a while now, and he's got a bit of a yeast/fungal infection, as well. And we're concerned about an infection from him scratching the eczema every chance he gets...which is more often since he is sitting on the potty some now. He uses that as an opportunity to scratch, even if we're there to stop him (you can't catch it all the time!). So, we left with FOUR prescriptions, one promising to be rather expensive. Well, actually, she gave us enough samples for one of them, so that helps. The expensive one is a prescription lotion, and the pharmacy had to order that, so we'll get it Monday. Some of his spots are already looking worlds better.

Then there was a soc hop at Camden's school. Lots of fun. He even joined in on some dances with his friends. Apparently they learn some of the line dances in gym (as in the cool ones...). They had a big raffle event, as well. Tons of HUGE baskets filled with things based on themes. AND Camden won one! We put tickets into a bunch, some that he wanted, some that would be nice for all of us. Of course, he didn't win the one any of us REALLY wanted, but it's always exciting to win! It was a basket of school supplies...we now have enough crayons, glue, paper, pencils, erasers, etc to last for QUITE a while, plus plenty more items, some pretty nice! He was actually pretty pleased, and, get this - it's the basket from HIS class!

We ended the night by putting Aiden to bed and watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution with Camden. If you haven't seen this show...you so need to! It actually takes place in the city Ryan grew up and where his family still lives. There's a lot of focus on school lunches. Camden no longer eats school lunches, but we still think he can learn a lot from watching about them. Great show. We're hoping it helps to lead to some big changes in the school lunch program. Click here to see more about the Food Revolution. And while you're at it, sign the petition to get some healthier lunches in our schools! (Whether or not you have a child in school... It should be that important.)

So, the weekend got off to a pretty good start... Then Saturday happened. I think, and I'm totally serious, that this was the worst day of poor Aiden's little life. He woke up early throwing up. And he never really stopped. He never had a fever, which is odd, I think. He couldn't keep anything down, though. We talked to the on-call dr around 10:30 Saturday morning, and he said not to give Aiden anything to eat or drink for the next 4-5 hours to let his stomach settle. The kid was begging to have water or nurse. I did break down and nurse him before his nap because he just would not accept going to sleep without that, and he hadn't thrown up for two hours by then - the longest stretch he had all day at that point. He took a good nap, but as soon as I had him out of the crib, he threw up again.

He threw up at least 20 times during the day, if not more; we lost count after a while. He was literally begging to have water to drink or to nurse all day long, and it's been breaking our hearts not to give him anything. I know it's what he needs, but I feel like we're starving him! He had a couple sips of water earlier in the day and threw it up. Ryan got some electrolyte mix to give him (like Pedialyte but without any sugar or anything artificial - it actually tastes really good!! We got the kids version at Whole Foods, though it's only showing the main version on the website, which is supposed to be fine for kids, too)...even just having a teaspoon of that resulted in him throwing up. With so little in his belly, he was dry heaving pretty much all day. I've experienced a lot of dry heaving during my pregnancies, and I think it is one of the worst feelings ever. He was at the point where he couldn't breathe when he was trying to throw up and you could tell it really hurt him...and scared him. It scared us plenty, and we weren't the ones doing it! Aiden has had some stomach bugs before, but he usually only throws up a couple times and then just doesn't feel good the rest of the day. He's never had anything this extreme. Luckily, he's not been showing signs of dehydration, but we've been watching closely because of how much he's throwing up. He was pretty lethargic most of the day...getting up to play for a few minutes here and there earlier on but then getting worn out easily, and spending most of the day just lying in my arms and asking me to sing to him.

The night wasn't great but not as bad as we were anticipating, maybe it felt that way because we were prepared for the worst. He got sick regularly after going to sleep, until about 1 or so. He actually had asked to go to bed, so you know he was tired! He went down without nursing...but he still woke up regularly for a few hours to throw up, until about 1am or so. Each time he got up and got sick, he would then reach for his crib and say "bed," because he just wanted to go back to sleep. (He was incredibly pitiful.) After that, he slept until 4, woke up without getting sick, and then slept again until almost 6. Since he had went so long without getting sick and was really insistent on nursing, we let him. He threw it up about 30 minutes later. We noticed this morning he has some red spots under his bottom lip and on his chin, probably from the acid from throwing up so much.

BUT...he hasn't thrown up since. Yet, at least. In the morning, we let him have a few pieces of dry cereal here and there, along with a teaspoon or so of the electrolyte drink. By 10, he was begging to nurse, and since he had kept the other down so far, we let him nurse, but just a little. He was pretty mad about that but still took a nap. Woke up after an hour, was up for a little while, insisting again on nursing. He must be feeling a bit better because he's getting really mad when we tell him no about nursing or tell him he has to wait. Yesterday, he would keep asking but not throw a fit. He didn't have the energy! So, I just nursed him some more, and he's actually back in bed about to go to sleep again. We were going to speak with the on-call doctor more today if he kept throwing up, but he hasn't gotten sick since 6:30, and it's almost noon at this point. That's pretty big for him, so hopefully he's on the mend!

I realize this might not seem that big of a deal...a stomach bug and all. But it has been for him and for the rest of us. He's not at the point where he can understand he can't eat or drink because he'll get sick from it. Having to see him beg for water or milk and having to tell him no has been so difficult for us. Seeing him throw up in the way he has, seeing how painful it is for him and how scary...it's been painful and scary for us. We've been really worried about dehydration or needing to go to the emergency room, but thankfully it did not come to that point. We're all exhausted, and Aiden still isn't feeling well, but he does seem a bit better than yesterday. And he's certainly not throwing up as much, which we're thrilled about. But we're still taking it very, very easy and slow with the liquids and a bit of dry cereal.

Hopefully he's fine by tomorrow! Camden is out of school for a while, and we're hoping to be able to get some things done and be able to get outside and play soon. And hopefully nobody else catches whatever it is he has. I'm not sure where this came from, but...every stomach bug he has ever had has come one day after being in some doctor's office. I don't think that's a coincidence. Even our regular doctor's waiting room doesn't have toys for the kids (which we are thankful for!), but Aiden still walks all around, touching the chairs and trying to share his toys with just about anybody sitting down in the room. The office we were at Friday did have a play table, and even though he was there for maybe two minutes (and shared his toy with two different men sitting and waiting), it's really impossible to keep him from playing and interacting with others. We can take all the toys in the world and try to distract him, but there's no way with him. We can wash his hands as soon as we get into the exam room. But he still seems to constantly get sick after going to the doctor...

Test Results

As many of you know, and some of you might not, we have been trying to find out if Aiden has Celiac disease. He has been having symptoms since this fall. It has not been a fun time, and we've been trying to figure out what could be the cause for all the problems. We took him off gluten in January for three weeks, and his symptoms basically went away. We put him back on gluten, and they seemed to return. The hard part was getting him to consume gluten again, though. He didn't seem to want much of the foods that had it, and it was more of a challenge than we expected. We got a referral to a pediatric gastroenterologist at Duke Children's Hospital and saw him last week. We were surprised he decided to go on with testing, as Aiden hadn't been back on gluten for long. If you aren't familiar with what we've been going through, here's some info on the blog that we posted recently: http://daisyryanadkins.blogspot.com/2010/02/overwhelmed.html and http://daisyryanadkins.blogspot.com/2010/02/testing-testing.html

I know many of you have been wondering about Aiden's test results. We finally got the results from the last one on Friday. The tests all came back negative for Celiac. You might think we would be breathing a sigh of relief, but that's not what we're doing because it means our search is not over. The dr says he is fairly confident that we did not test too soon. I'm a bit skeptical but trying not to question too much. Aiden had only been on gluten for 12 days, and we had a really hard time getting him to consume it after being off of it. It only takes a little bit to count, but some days it was very little. And now (after the fact), everything we're reading says you shouldn't go gluten-free before testing b/c it can skew results... Anyway, we talked some with the dr about what this means. Even if he does not have full blown Celiac, he could still have a gluten sensitivity or even a wheat allergy. For those not familiar with Celiac, it is not an allergy; it is an autoimmune disease. Celiac, gluten sensitivity, and a wheat allergy are all quite different from each other. We definitely think SOMETHING is going on in relation to gluten because there is a very obvious difference in his symptoms when he is eating gluten and when he is not. Anytime he eats a decent amount of gluten, the day or two that follows will include the symptoms returning. So, after consulting with the Ped GI, we are going to go back to a gluten-free diet for a number of MONTHS. This will ensure it is completely out of his system for a good while. After so many months, probably six, we will begin introducing gluten again. If the symptoms return, that could mean he has a gluten sensitivity. We might end up testing for celiac again...just to be sure...but only if the symtpoms return and after he has been back on gluten for a number of months again. We can test for a wheat allergy if we want, but that involves going to the allergist again. We already have a follow-up visit scheduled in the fall, so we'll wait until then. We're already keeping Aiden off of some other common allergens and are waiting to test for those, but the dr might wait another year just because of Aiden's young age. Those tests can be false easily, especially with really young children. So, we'll wait to see what that dr says. I think we're more convinced this is a gluten issue and not a wheat allergy, though.

During Aiden's time off of gluten, the entire family will actually be going gluten free. I have a gluten sensitivity myself. And this is actually very common, more than you might think. Also, if Aiden DID somehow have Celiac, it often runs in the family. So, there are many reasons to have the whole family on this diet. For one thing, it just makes it easier! We won't have to make special things just for Aiden, and we won't have to worry about him accidentally getting something he shouldn't because EVERYTHING will be gluten free. Plus, this gives us a chance to see if anybody else happens to feel better on this diet. Symptoms can be very varried, or you may not even notice them - or may attribute them to something else, which is common. So, since we are doing this with him, it doesn't hurt for the rest of us to join in. (Ryan's just realized this means no cereal bars, which he usually eats at work, and Camden is not happy this means no Cream of Wheat...so we'll have to find some good substitutes and work on learning which flours, etc, we can use when cooking... And time to start scrutinizing food labels! You would be surprised at how many things contain gluten.)

This also means that when we travel, if we get to do so during this time, we'll have to really watch what we're eating when eating out or visiting others. This will be the biggest challenge but not impossible. :) And no worries about this being unhealthy. A gluten-free diet is perfectly healthy. We will make sure we get all the nutrients we need. A diet with gluten is not necessary in the least and will certainly not hurt anyone. Hopefully, though, we can figure out what is going on sooner rather than later. This will take longer than we would like, but it's definitely worth it. And we definitely all agree that there is some correlation between these foods and Aiden's symptoms.

Thanks to all of you that have been so supportive as we've been wading through all of this. It's been frustrating and exhausting at times; we feel like it's consumed us as it seems like just about all we think about is his food intake and symptoms, keeping track of every little thing and analizying all of it. And it's just been no fun for Aiden (or us) when his symptoms do appear. We had been hoping for a clear answer, but it seems like we won't quite have that for a while. Either way, hopefully we're on the way to finding out what is going on. We do appreciate all the support, the concerns, the prayers, everything.

What I wish

If I could have a wish right now, it would be for EVERYONE in our home to be healthy for at least a week. No, two weeks.

Sound silly? Not if you have been around us anytime during 2010. What? You haven't? Well, that's probably because we've been TOO SICK to have you over.

Actually, we haven't been sick in the contagious sense the entire time. Well, Aiden and I spent a week with some really bad colds and sore throats. That started Jan 13th. By the way, I hate how "cold" sounds so harmless and simple, but, man, it can knock you out and make you miserable if you get a really bad cold. They need a harsher sounding name for that... Since then, I've been battling a sinus infection. I finally went to the dr for that a week ago, but that was because I got laryngitis and completely lost my voice and they said I had to come in for "anything involving the throat." So, I got some antibiotics for the infection, but nothing for the laryngitis since that's just due to the inflammation and all. I would have had some cough meds to help calm that, which would also have let me sleep some, but I'm still nursing so that was a no go. Due to that, though the infection was going away, I got absolutely NO SLEEP because of all the coughing and congestion.

Add onto that with Aiden waking from teething. Fun times.

Then Ryan gets a cold.

Then he and I start to feel better. Not quite there yet, but we were on our way. And Aiden gets sick again.

This is our life. Welcome.

Aiden woke up yesterday with a fever. Threw up a couple times when he tried to eat, but mostly he refused to eat. (It's times like this I'm glad he still nurses or else I might worry a bit more.) He spent the day lying around, taking extra naps, and wanting his mommy right next to him. While he looked completely pitiful, it was so endearing. A mama can't help but love being needed in such a way every now and then. I knew we were in for a rough night, too, when he kept waking and by midnight kept reaching for the door, indicating he wanted to go to our bed...(which he did, of course!). But did I really mind? Anything for that little guy.

He's fine today. Fever is gone, and he's back to normal.

But now my sinus infection seems to be returning. Oh, that makes me so happy. I've only been fighting it for a month now. While I'm glad it's nothing contagious, which means I don't have to worry about getting anyone else sick from what I have, I still would like to FEEL well myself.

Camden seems to be the only one all of this isn't touching. How is that?! I want to know. Because I want it for the rest of us! 2010 has not been the best year so far for some of us.... Of course, if I could get some sleep and maybe get some stress relief, that might do it for me. I'm quite aware of that.

Seriously, I would just love for a couple weeks with everyone perfectly healthy. Is that really too much to ask?? I would think not, but....

Testing, testing...

Ok, so when I wrote the last post about all this gluten stuff with Aiden, we were waiting on a referral to the pediatric gastroenterologist at Duke Children's Hospital. I called our family dr's office on Monday, knowing our provider was not in that day and wouldn't see the request until Tuesday. So, it came as quite a surprise when I got a phone call at 8am on Tuesday morning, before the office was technically open. We already had an appointment with the specialist THAT THURSDAY...two days away! That never happens...getting in that quickly. We even got the specific ped GI that we requested (per a recommendation from a friend who works with these providers, saying this guy was "the best" of the department). I was shocked. But also a bit concerned...did we really need to go in just yet? I wanted to talk with the nurse or doctor before actually going in for an appointment.

And...surprise again! I got to speak with a nurse that same day. The visit wouldn't be pointless even if testing was put off, she said. She also relieved me quite a bit when she said Aiden only needed to consume the equivalent of a graham cracker a day to get enough gluten for accurate test results. Aiden would at least eat some cheerios each day, and that's what I gave him to snack on when we were running around, so he should have gotten enough. She also said some doctors would test after being on gluten for two weeks, some waited four.

Thursday rolled around, and we got another call. Instead of waiting until the afternoon, could we come in as soon as possible? Some spots had opened up. So...off we went as soon as I got Camden off to school, picking up Ryan on the way. We left the house at 10am. We returned home that afternoon after 3pm. We were in the exam room for three hours, at least. The only stop was a very quick lunch after leaving the hospital. It was a long day, needless to say.

But that's to be expected there. We always have to wait a long time when we see a specialist at Duke. The upside...when it's our turn, the doctor gives us plenty of time...taking a good history, getting all the facts and hearing us out. You may spend time waiting, but that's a small price for great care. Plus, this time, during our wait, my friend Melissa stopped by to chat with us, too.

So....after talking with the doctor for quite a while and filling him in on...basically everything Aiden has experienced since he was born (seriously, they do a good job), he told us what we kind of knew. This could be celiac. Could be a gluten sensitivity. Could be a wheat allergy. All of those are completely different from each other. Also...this could be something else altogether. We explained how we were concerned about Aiden's slow growth (going from above the 75th%tile at birth to the 30th at one year and now in the 14th at 18 months...all the while being a VERY good eater), his tendency to get sick easily and stay sick for a long time (despite all the protective factors), and all the other "symptoms" that could mean something or could mean nothing at all. He agreed. And while he said the slow growth was something to keep an eye on, he wasn't too concerned because at least Aiden wasn't LOSING weight; it's possible he's also still "settling into" his normal growth pattern (is this something they're all supposed to say to help keep parents from worrying too much? Ha.). Anyway, after all this talking and whatnot, he decides to go on with the blood work. I was a bit hesitant because Aiden had only been "on" gluten for 12 days at that point, but the doctor thought it was fine, especially with Aiden being younger. And hey...going out there is not a quick trip (or cheap), so we went on with it.

Aiden was quite the trooper. They took SEVEN vials of blood. Wow. We didn't expect that. Aiden did cry at first, but after a couple vials, he was fine...just put his head up against Mama and watched where the blood was being removed from his arm. (I wonder how this will affect his sudden separation and stranger anxiety that he has been exhibiting. This certainly reinforces that strangers aren't necessarily the nicest people out there, huh?) He did pretty well, though. He later cried more after whacking his face into the corner of my glasses...

So now...now we wait. The results should be in within the next few days. If the results are positive for celiac, we go in for a biopsy to confirm. I'm really trying not to even think about that yet. We didn't even ask about the process when we were talking with the doctor. No point.

But if the results are negative... I'm not sure what that means. It means this might be ruled out. (But we will worry, of course, that they tested too soon.) There are many other possibilities, if we get negative results, though. That's not something we're really excited to think about, either.

I'm trying to just tell myself...whatever will be, will be. It doesn't help to wonder and worry. It was easier yesterday. Harder today. Today Aiden showed more symptoms, especially after he ate some more wheat yesterday than he had been. I think we've figured out that Aiden doesn't really care for white bread. He's always eaten wheat bread. We got a fabulous bread machine for Christmas and have been using that instead of buying bread...but we've been making white bread because in order to make wheat, we would need to buy extra gluten to use with it. But we don't want to buy all these extra ingredients and then find out that he does have celiac and needs to avoid them. We happened to buy a loaf of wheat bread the other day, and Aiden suddenly likes bread again. So funny. Camden was the same way. I always gave him wheat bread, and the first time he was given white bread at someone's house, he looked at it like it was the strangest thing ever. Ok..off topic. Anyway, this explains why he hasn't been wanting much bread...the bread, biscuits, ect have all been white.

I'm more worried about the results being accurate and trusting that they are accurate than anything else. Feel free to pray that they are accurate and that we can feel at ease with what we are told. Right now, that's actually our biggest concern. Thank you for all the kind comments and all the prayers. We really do appreciate it all. It helps having that support and knowing so many people care about our little guy.