What's in a Name? Part 2

My last post, way back in April, was to share our baby's name and the meaning behind her name. The baby that was growing in me, healthy and strong. Thriving. That baby is now with us, in our arms. We truly are blessed. Today's post is not about that, though.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Today is about taking time to honor all of those that have lost their babies. And to remember those babies.

Of course, anyone who has lost a baby knows that not a day goes by without remembering. It's simply not possible.

Today, in honor of our three little lost babies, I want to share their names. Before now, we have only shared their names with their grandparents, but we want the world to know...these babies were so very wanted, these babies were real, they have names that we can speak out loud. After we made the news public about our miscarriages, an old friend from high school got in touch with me, as she had also been through three miscarriages. She sent me a book that she read that helped her, Heaven is for Real. The book itself isn't about miscarriage, but one chapter specifically brings up the topic. I don't want to give anything away for those that haven't read the book (and if you haven't, please do!), but it was significant to us. Ryan and I both read the book, and we also both felt compelled to name our babies after reading the part about miscarriage and babies that never got to be in their parents' arms. We just couldn't shake the feeling that we needed to name them... We took some time to carefully pick names we really loved, that had special meaning to us, that could be for boys or girls (since we didn't know the sex of any of our lost babies). And here are their names and their meanings...

Honour Adiel (honor; adornment of the Lord) (middle name pronounced ah-dee-ehl)

Aine Lani (radiance; sky/heaven) (Aine is pronounced AWN-ya and Lani is pronounced LAH-nee)

Aster Sloane (star; fighter) We saw this baby's heart beating, saw it fighting to live and grow. But I felt something in my gut the first time we went for an ultrasound, that something wasn't quite right, even though we were told everything was fine. So, we moved forward and were hopeful. My body agreed that I was pregnant; I even suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum during the full first trimester, as I have with all of my living children. The second ultrasound, however, completely broke me as we learned we had lost yet another baby. You are never prepared for news like that. This little one had joined the others, in the stars...

(We debated on the name of the middle one, as nobody really would know how to pronounce it without us explaining. But changing the spelling changed the meaning, and we loved it as it was. It's not a name many will need to know how to pronounce, so what really matters is what we wanted and not what others can say. So, we kept it as it is.)

Those are our babies. The babies we will never get to hold or see or smell, not while we are on this earth. But they were in my body. They were real. And they were loved.

What's in a Name?

We are so blessed. We were hopeful that 2013 would be a great year, especially after the traumas we went through last year. And let me just say that, so far, 2013 is kicking 2012's ass! This year has been FULL of blessings, and we are just so grateful! We have had wonderful doctors working with us, many incredible friends praying for us...and a healthy baby growing inside of me.

We went today for our mid-pregnancy ultrasound...the anatomy ultrasound. MOST IMPORTANTLY, the baby is growing right on target, heart, brain, spine, everything looks GREAT and is just as it should be. Again, we are so blessed! The baby was being a bit stubborn and not really cooperating...not being still when the tech was trying to get specific views and measurements and then not moving enough when trying to look at other things. But he managed to see what he needed to see, and we managed to get to see our beautiful baby and hear that incredible sound of a strong, beating heart. And yes, we did get to find out the sex. We are most concerned about a healthy pregnancy and baby. We were curious, though, and did want to be able to give this little one a name and stop calling it "it." So, while we would have been thrilled with either a girl or a boy, we are happy to announce that we are most definitely having a baby girl.

Our little girl...Grey Elise.

Yes, I do love the color grey. But that isn't where her name comes from. We've had this name picked out for nearly two years now. Well, Grey has been the first name for that long, and Elise has been the chosen middle name for about ten or eleven years. And now we'll have a little girl to give those names. Blessed.

So, what's in a name? This name is PACKED with meaning for us.

June 26th, 2011... The worship leader at church sang a song, and something about it just spoke to me. Especially one line... "Grey is not a compromise. It is the bridge between two lines. I would even argue that it is the color that most represents God's eyes." 

Later, I emailed our worship leader, Stephen Claybrook, to find out the name of the song. I got that and then found out more about the meaning behind the song. I was hooked. Everything about the song and the meaning behind it spoke to me. The first time I heard the song, when Stephen sang this at church that morning, I just knew that if I were ever to have a girl, her name would be Grey. Learning more about the song just sealed the deal.

The song has to do with our journeys through life and the experiences we go through, some lasting just seconds, that create change in us and cause us to look at things differently, to appreciate things we so easily overlook. I'll let you read about the song on your own, and I hope you do (I'll include a link at the end of this post, as well as lyrics to the song, and a video so you can hear the song that inspired the name). The words have so much more meaning than you might think, and the story behind it is just beautiful in so many ways. Here is one paragraph from the songwriter that sums up part of the meaning (but it will make so much more sense if you read it on the website to get the background information!):
"probably goes without saying that the theme of the song is about making change. essential change. it’s about appreciating each small and overlooked gift that is tucked away into our lives… it’s also about acknowledging that so much of life is gray. meaning, from our perspective, things are not so simple and defined – and that’s entirely okay. for reasons beyond our comprehension everyone faces different sets of challenges and complications in their lives… some are significantly tougher than others. what’s important is making the changes necessary in our own lives in order to value more fully the people that we love and who love us back. it’s a song of recalibration. thanks to that brief interaction with that incredibly kind and brave couple, recalibration has bumped itself way up on our priority list, where it belongs."

We often don't stop to realize just how precious life is and to really appreciate these small moments that make us who we are and affect how we see the world and those around us. The songwriter wrote this based on some things that he experienced. The miscarriages and suffering we went through over the last couple years have been that for us. When you go through a crisis (or more than one crises), during that time, you realize so many things. For one, so much of life and our life experiences are full of these grey areas...where we don't always get to understand why things happen to us, complicated situations that have no explanation. We also realize that some things in life just aren't as important as you allowed them to become, and other things take higher priority. You realize what truly matters. And in a matter of seconds your life is changed, you think differently and live differently. It's hard to put into words how these moments come together to change us so much. But they have. Our recent experiences have been so very difficult, yet thanks to them, our lives are changed for the better. True, we're more aware of this raw, intense pain we hadn't lived through before. We're more broken and will never be put together the way we were before. Yet we're more aware of the beauty and love around us, as well, and we appreciate so many small blessings we get to experience daily, that we might not have noticed on the same level before. And while I fell in love with the name Grey before any of these losses happened, going through all of this to get to this point in a healthy pregnancy has made this name mean so much more to us because our journey has been full of so many of these moments that changed us and caused us to look at our lives and our priorities in a different way, appreciating things that were easily overlooked. Grey is this journey for us.

Elise. I heard that name so many years ago and just loved how it sounded. I saved it in case I ever had a daughter. Then I realized...my great-grandmother's name is Elsie, and those two names are the same but with the "i" and "s" switched. That made me appreciate the name and want to use it even more. It is my way of honoring Mom Elsie, who is such an important woman in my family. I've always felt like she is the glue that holds so many of us together, that brings us together in a way that I have always appreciated and respected. She turned 93 this January, and she is a force to be reckoned with, that's for sure. She is such an important person in my life, and I love that I found a way to name my daughter after her.

If we were having a boy, we also had a name picked out. One that is also very significant, though the explanation is much shorter and simpler. After our three losses recently, we were drawn to name those babies. When looking over a list of names that we liked for the babies, Ryan picked one out and said he wanted to save it, in case we did have a boy later on. It was one of my favorites from the group, and it made sense to name a living child this name, if we were to have a boy. Jude Aeron. That name means "praise; thanks" (Jude), "the battle is over" (Aeron). To be honest, part of me wanted a boy and a girl so I could use both of these names. I fell in love with both of them, and they both carry so much significance with what we have been through. We don't know at this point if we'll have any more children. Perhaps if we ever were to have another boy, we would still use this name. All of that is unknown at this point.

To read more about the meaning of the song that led us to Grey, please go here. The song is called 101010, by Sleeping at Last. http://sleepingatlast.com/101010-how-it-was-made/

And for those interested in hearing the song, here it is, as well. I hope one day our little lady appreciates hearing the story (and maybe even the song) behind her name.


Here are the lyrics:

101010
hold your breath and count to 28.
change is slow but i feel it taking shape.
folding over us like waves
on origami ocean tides, we sway

like blueprints constantly being rearranged.
over microscopes we plan and strain.

the finest print in the whitest ink,
before it dries, there’s no time to think.
it feels like everything we’ve known is sink or swim

but grey is not a compromise -
it is the bridge between two sides.
i would even argue that it is the color
that most represents God’s eyes.

hold your breath and count to 29.
connect the dots and cherish every line.

paper cuts and trails aside,
make a wish and hold it tight,
this time, we’ll try our very hardest not to try.

‘cause grey is not a compromise -
it is the bridge between two sides.
the shores on which our stubborn land
and restless seas collide.
grey is not just middle ground,
it is a truce that waits to be signed.
i would even argue that, from where we stand,
it most represents the color of God’s eyes.

so, let’s fold our atlas into paper planes.
change is slow, but i feel it taking shape.

Again, I really hope you will go to this link and read more about the meaning behind this song. It is profound and beautiful and full of significance. It's not a long story, won't take you long to read it, and you will not regret having spent a few minutes taking it in. http://sleepingatlast.com/101010-how-it-was-made/

Six months of hell. And counting.

Lots of folks are wondering what has been going on with us lately. We've been waiting and hoping to share some good news, but it seems like we're going to have to wait a bit longer for that. So, we'll just come on and tell it without the good.

We've been trying to grow our family. And while we're apparently pretty fertile, we're not having luck with staying pregnant, for some reason. I have now had three miscarriages. All in the last six months. One in January. Another in early April, over Easter weekend. We are currently pregnant, and the second ultrasound that took place on Friday, showed the baby no longer has a beating heart and stopped growing probably a couple weeks ago. A missed miscarriage - the baby has died but my body hasn't figured it out yet, still acts like I'm pregnant. I believe at this point I can say, without being dramatic, that this has been the worst year of my life. Throw in most emotional, as well.

I had high hopes for 2012, but so far, it has not been good to us.

As you can imagine, we are crushed. broken. confused. defeated. worn down. These babies were so, so very wanted. There are tons of emotions going through us. I dealt with a lot of anger with the first miscarriage. Several days and nights were spent with me screaming at God, cursing at Him, throwing things at him (all in my mind)... I know He can handle all the anger I can throw at Him, and I needed to be able to go through that. Mostly now we're sad and confused and trying to sort through all other kinds of emotions and thoughts running through us.

We're also trying to make decisions about what is our next step in regards to miscarrying the baby (naturally or surgically); we're leaning toward allowing my body to try to do this naturally before relying on surgery. Meanwhile, I am still dealing with relentless nausea and taking medication for that. I have hyperemesis gravidarum, which means I have extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancies. This time around, it has been "mild," meaning I have mostly had the extreme, nonstop nausea which has been handled mostly by medication, though I'm still very restricted on what I'm able to stomach. We've worried that the mild HG might be an indication that this pregnancy would not last, but after the first ultrasound showing a heartbeat, we were more hopeful and considered me lucky with less severe symptoms this time. Regardless, it seems like some cruel joke that I've had to deal with these symptoms for a month now and will continue to have them until after the miscarriage has finished and my hcg levels return to zero, however long that will take, assuming we do it naturally. How unfair to have these symptoms when nothing is even coming from them.

As much as I hate to admit it, I kind of tried not to get as attached to this baby. But...how do you even do that?? It's nearly impossible. Ok, it is impossible - for me, at least. Lately I decided to give up on that and instead think positively and tell that little one to hang in there. I guess it doesn't really matter, and things will happen the way they're going to happen regardless. I've tried from the start of this pregnancy (which we found out about at less than three weeks along, so very early on) to prepare myself to lose another baby, but again, how do you do that? Nothing at all prepares you to lie there and see the screen with the ultrasound images, knowing the baby is supposed to have developed more, hearing nothing but silence. Until the ultrasound tech says it out loud and shows where the heartbeat should be seen. Nothing prepares you for that.

We have been fortunate to have wonderful friends and family supporting us through all of this over the last several months. The doctors office we have chosen has been incredible, as well. We chose the office specifically for its VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) reputation. Last year, we chose to put off having this baby for a year until we could change insurance to be able to see the doctors at that office. We love them for their views on VBACs and natural birth methods, but they have also been amazing in helping us deal with the first two miscarriages, preparing for HG and dealing with it during this pregnancy, and now are helping immensely as we figure out how to handle this next miscarriage. I've been so pleased with their friendly approach and just reaching out to me. Some have hugged me when they knew I was scared, some remembered me from blood work after the first miscarriage (when we returned for more blood work during this third pregnancy, months later), I have been reassured they are there to support me and answer any questions, however small or silly I might consider them to be. I have just felt so welcomed and supported there, which means more than I can say. We'll be seeing them more soon, of course, as we now meet the requirements for "recurrent miscarriage" and all the testing that goes along with trying to find out why suddenly I can't seem to stay pregnant. I've never had problems like this before, and we feel we are at our healthiest right now, so we're more than confused as to why this is happening now. Hopefully we can find some answers, though we know those odds aren't really in our favor. Most of the time, the cause is unknown.

Why post about something so personal, you might be wondering... I don't feel like this is something that should be taboo to talk about, for one thing. So many women have miscarriages, and despite how common it really is, it is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. It is emotionally and physically painful. Nobody should have to deal with it at all, but especially no one should go through it alone. While many of our friends do know about this, so many do not. And we're at the point where it will be harder and more exhausting to act as if things are great when we're around people who don't know than it would be just to say it is happening. I have a hard time putting up a facade and pretending things are ok when my world is falling apart. When we share what we're living through, we also are allowing others to pray for us and help us through this. This is not something we want to go through alone, and we don't wish to cut ourselves off from others who can help. Even though several friends and family do know about what we've been going through over the last 6 months, it's still been very easy to feel lonely. In fact, it's been a really lonely time for me, despite the support we have had. I can't imagine going through this with no support and how isolated one could easily feel. I've realized, since we shared the news of our first miscarriage with others close to us, that opening up about it helps others to open up about what they have been through or are even currently experiencing. I can't help but think maybe if more of us speak out about these things, someone else might feel comfortable reaching out and might feel less alone in their own pain from similar experiences.

In case you're wondering about the boys... Camden does know about this. He's too old to hide it from, and he's known about everything from the beginning. I don't think he quite knows how to feel about the losses, and he is very confused about why it keeps happening. He's at a good age, I guess, where he can understand logically what is going on and knows we're upset, but he isn't quite at the point where it truly upsets him a lot (and that's fine with us; we don't want him to be too upset about this). Aiden, however, is too young to get it, we believe. We haven't told him about the losses or the latest pregnancy, even though he knew I was sick. He was there when we had the ultrasound on Friday, and he had to witness me breaking down with the news about the baby. Thankfully, he has just accepted hearing that "mommy is sad" when he sees me crying, and he doesn't really question it. He's asked about the doctor and what they've said to me, but he has been ok with answers such as "mommy is ok" or that the doctor will help make me feel better. I feel bad not being completely honest with him, but we really don't think he would understand what is going on at his age. And honestly, maybe a part of this is that we're not sure how to deal with talking to a very young child about this. (Any others that have dealt with something like this are welcome to chime in with their thoughts.) 

So, here we are... We're not sure what the next few weeks will be like for us. I still have this baby in me that is not growing. Hopefully things can happen naturally, as we feel that is best and safest in many ways. But if we need to go through with it, we also have a D and C as a last resort. Either way, there will be pain. Lots of pain and lots of different kinds of pain. And then testing. And waiting for healing before we can move forward with trying again. I'm now realizing how naive I have always been about pregnancy. While I've always been in awe of how amazing it is, I'm now acutely aware of how difficult it truly is for all the million things that need to fall into place just right in order for a healthy baby to grow inside of my body. I have faith that we will have a successful pregnancy and have this next baby one day. We're not ready to give up. Our family is not yet complete. I don't understand at all why things are happening this way (trust me, I ask "why?" at least every five seconds), but I hope that one day I will be able to make more sense of it all.

VBAC Update and New Plans

If you read my post from last week, you know we're wanting to go for a VBAC with our next baby (that is nonexistent at this point). We met with a dr within our network that had said they would "allow" us to do this, and we posted about the consultation. I'm not sure if my emotions showed through with that post; I really tried to keep them out. A main reason is because I wasn't having such great emotions in regards to the meeting. While the doctor said a lot of things we liked, there were a few things we did not...and my gut was not really feeling it. I walked out of there feeling uneasy and hesitant. After letting some of my feelings stew for a while and discussing things with Ryan, we both felt this OB office was not the one for us. We believe, and strongly, that if we stay with this office, our odds of having an emergency or scheduled c-section would be much too great.

For now, we have some good news and some bad news. 

The good news is, we have found a place we really like, one that we feel is our best chance at a successful VBAC. This practice is well-known in the community/state for being very VBAC-friendly, and they have plenty of experience in this area. It's also at another top hospital in the area (one of the two that we would consider - I'm sure it's an easy guess if you know where we are located). Not only that, but their philosophy toward pregnancy and delivery are way more in line with my own, which is awesome. I spoke extensively with a lady about my entire situation, including my hesitations about the other office, and she totally agreed with our concerns. Everything she had to say to me was exactly what I would want to hear (and at this point, I KNOW what I want to hear and am not easily misled), not only when it came to VBACs but also just regular care. She was so validating of what I felt (concerns, what I wanted, every little thing), which was a wonderful thing to experience.While speaking with her, I had this amazing sense of calm come over me, this sense of "this is where I am meant to be." I had to hold back tears during the call. Now, maybe all of that doesn't make sense to some people, and I'm not going to put my entire medical care in someone's hands SOLELY on my gut and intuition...but I also will not discount those feelings. They're there for a reason. Besides, I had my gut feelings AND factual information all in my favor here.

The bad news...this office is not in-network, so our insurance will not cover care there. We spoke with the insurance company and were told to write a letter explaining our reasons for requesting a benefit exception. Did we really expect them to make this allowance? Not really. We were hopeful but we were also realistic. We wrote an extensive letter that laid out the reasons we should be treated at this other out-of-network provider. We included all the ways this would save them money - because it would save them a LOT of money, really. We haven't received our actual response via email/postal mail...I'm hoping they will at least give their reasons in the response, but I'm not sure if they do that or not. I called earlier today and was given a quick (and not the most polite) response: DENIED. I was told they had emailed, but um...we've received nothing, and that was over six hours ago.

So, what does this mean? Well, it means we wait, though we're not 100% sure yet what all that means... We are waiting to see what their response is before we know if we can appeal and give them other specific information they request from us. Or we wait until we can change insurance providers. Open-enrollment, when we can elect to change insurance providers, is in the fall. We'll make the switch then to an insurance that we know will cover our care at this other practice. It will mean a higher monthly cost, but it will get us what we want and what we need. This isn't just us wanting something that is over the top. This is us wanting quality care that we need and deserve. It also means waiting a heck of a lot longer to get pregnant than we were planning. This is not really what we want, but as the chance at a VBAC and having a supportive doctor are crucial to us, if we need to wait, we wait. There are all kinds of emotions tied up in that; I won't lie. It's been a tough week and a half. There have been many hours staying up unable to sleep, many wild dreams about meeting with doctors, being pregnant, and all sorts of things. It's not been easy. But we're going to be realistic, logical, and we're going to do what it takes to get what we need. Even if that means waiting.

Now, I know some of you are wondering what is so important about having a VBAC anyway. I intend to address that. We aren't going into this because of some selfish desire for me to "experience" natural childbirth. Sure, I would love to go through that and deliver a baby on my own, the way my body was made to do. But no, that is not the reasoning. This is all for the health of a baby. We've done our research, we know the reasons for vaginally delivering a child, the risks and benefits of that versus any risks/benefits of having a cesarean section.We're going to put up some posts looking at all of that and explaining why this is so very important to us. But rest assured it's all about what is best and safest for baby (and what is safest for mother, too). Nothing selfish...unless you consider wanting the safest possible delivery selfish.

VBAC Consultation

Well, we had the big appointment yesterday. We went to visit the new OB office that had stated they would be supportive of a VBAC-2. We had a consultation, and friends and family that knew about our appointment are wondering how things went. This is the easiest way to share.

The couple days leading up to the appointment, I noticed myself getting more and more anxious. Nervous. Worried. All sorts of feelings. I didn't want to go in and have a dr say they would "allow" me to VBAC and then feed me all of these scare-tactics - or act great about it now and then try to scare me at the last minute. The day of the appointment was getting tough, and I sat myself down while Aiden was taking a super early nap and looked over some Bible verses to try to calm myself. This one kept jumping out at me, and it gave me what I needed to refocus and get to the appointment with a better frame of mind. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

I needed that reminder that God is with me and has a plan for me. He tells me not to fear, and sometimes I just need to stop and listen to that. 

I think we're still trying to process everything from the appointment. We were there for 45 minutes, and there was a lot of information. A lot. I can easily say that most of it was what we wanted to hear. Was all of it? Not necessarily. But MOST of it was. 

We went into our appointment with a list of questions. We were quite prepared. I've done a lot of reading, and Ryan has been trying to keep up and do some of his own. This isn't something we enter into lightly. Not at all. The doctor even said he could tell I was a reader (this did not sound at all like he was being condescending), and he seemed to really appreciate the fact that we completely understood all aspects of what we were considering and that we were highly motivated. 

One of the first questions the doctor asked me was what is my main concern. Really - I told him my BIGGEST concern was finding a provider that was supportive of doing a VBAC. It's true. And hopefully that won't be such a concern now... 

Here were our questions, and some of the answers...

• How many VBACs/VBAC-2s have you attended? Well, plenty. No number, but they obviously do it. This doctor appeared to be very practiced in this area and seemed like he had plenty of experience with everything we discussed. We're not worried about that.
• What is your success rate? He guesses around 70%, which is what is to be expected, from what we understand. Anything much lower would be a red flag.
• How many uterine ruptures have you witnessed? He differentiated between the different kinds...a small tear/rupture, which is basically a hole and would be found while doing a c-section and could be repaired easily and then a catastrophic rupture, which if addressed quickly enough can be handled well. He's seen both, not as many of the catastrophic but "a handful" of them. I was pleased that he differentiated between the types and didn't lump them together and make me feel like ruptures happened often and were all terrible. He made it sound manageable, even if there was a rupture, while also being very clear about the possible dangers, even with the catastrophic ones.
• Do you have any standard VBAC protocols that differ from a non-VBAC mom? Only attending can order pitocin.
• How do you handle post-date pregnancies (going over 40 weeks)? Another thing we aren't thrilled about but want to ask more questions now that we've been home and have been thinking more about it. (This is one of the two things he said that we didn't LOVE.) He did say they wouldn't want me to go too much over 40 weeks....but if I went over, it would depend on if I was showing signs of labor, etc. If I was, they would give me a bit more time. If I wasn't doing anything, they might want to then schedule a section. They will *not* induce (which is exactly what we want to hear - induction is not desired, esp with a VBAC). I would rather have a dr that would allow me to go a week or even longer over a due date, assuming everything with mom and baby. This does not make me a glutton for punishment; it means I am aware that a due date is an estimation and my body and the baby are better at knowing when the time is right versus a date someone marks on a calendar. We'll discuss this more with him/other doctors later on to hear their reasoning. He did seem to be fairly flexible and not wanting to just rush to a c-section the second I would turn 40 weeks, but still. Something we want to consider more.
• What is your philosophy on big babies? This is in there b/c some doctors think if you have a "big baby" (which is hard to determine - guesses are often wrong) that you should automatically have a section. He seemed to not think this and is not scared by the fact that my first baby was 11lbs and my second was 8lbs11oz. Actually (and surprisingly), that 11-pounder works in my favor in this case! As he said, he would be a bit more hesitant if I had pushed for so many hours and had not been able to push out a 7lb baby...but it's easy to understand why I couldn't push out an 11-pounder after several hours. Anyway, big babies don't seem to scare him. That's good.
• What kind of monitoring do you require? IV. Just in case. I won't be able to walk around hallways, but I can move around in the room as long as I'm attached to that. They'll obviously want to monitor the baby more closely, just to be aware of any possible signs of distress. Not something I love, but I do understand.
• Do you perform an automatic c-section if waters have been broken for more than 24 hours, even if there is no evidence of infection and mom and baby are fine? He said they don't base it on a certain time schedule, it all depends on whether or not the baby is in distress and I'm progressing at a decent pace without stalling. What I wanted to hear.
• Do you have a time limit on how long my labor can be before you c-section me? Same answer as above. What I wanted to hear.
• What is a reasonable length of time for VBAC labor if I'm healthy and my baby appears to be healthy? Can't really tell; it's dependent on factors other than simply time. Mostly same answer as above. These questions are mostly to determine if the dr will be quick to section if the labor isn't moving quickly. We don't want that. We want a dr who will allow the labor to go as it naturally will, assuming mom and baby are healthy. This doctor does NOT seem to be trigger-happy for surgery. We even discussed why some doctors might push for a c-section, and he let me know that shouldn't be a problem there. (Some reasons can be having to do with time. Would the dr rather have a nice easy, scheduled section at 8am or have to stick around for a day and a half while mom labors? Money... C-sections obviously cost more. Resources. VBACs require a lot of resources on hand in case of an emergency section, which also means everyone is on high alert. Yes, a lot of resources are needed for a planned section, but when they're worried about a rupture and a baby being in danger, they want to be prepared and have ALL of those resources at the ready. You could tell he didn't agree with some of these reasons - the first couple that were more convenience-driven. And at Duke and with this office who deals with riskier pregnancies, they also clearly have the resources right there.)
• Do you require IV or helplock? Yes. IV.
• Am I permitted to move and deliver in my position of choice? Seems to be fine, as long as I'm still on the IV. Also what we wanted to hear. Lying on one's back is actually the least effective mode for pushing, and I want to be able to do whatever position my body works with best and whatever position helps to reduce chances of a stalled labor leading to a c-section. Who knows what that would be, but I don't want a dr who tells me I have to be on my back simply b/c I'm a VBAC.
• What do you think are my chances of having a successful VBAC-2, given my childbirth history? He thinks I'm a great candidate and will likely fit into the 70% that are successful. Odds are in my favor at *this* point, based on history and my current health, motivation, etc. Aside from my motivation and health, my history helps - the reason for my first c-section, the scars that I have (or how minimal they are) and how easy it was for the dr performing Aiden's c-section to get in quickly. The fact that I'm not large or overweight also helps a lot. Why? Because if he has to very quickly get in for a c-section, in case of emergency, a lot of excess weight (just like extra scarring) can hinder him being able to do that quickly. Basically, I don't have much working against me. Let's hope it stays that way. They will monitor me closely in regards to my placenta placement (multiple c-sections make it more likely my placenta could cover my uterine scar, which is not good, and they also can increase my chances for issues such as placenta previa and abruption). 
• What can I do during my pregnancy to help increase the chances of a successful VBAC? He looked at Ryan and told him that *he* would like this answer... As often as possible during the last trimester. Haha! But really...just staying healthy and motivated. Both of which I won't have a problem with doing.

The other thing we didn't LOVE was the fact that he said they would want me to have an epidural during the labor. I really want to do it naturally, no epidural. I understand the logic. If there is an emergency, they want me already medicated and want to be able to easily add more to numb me for surgery. At the same time, I also know that having the epidural automatically puts me at higher risk for having a c-section, for many reasons. So, we're not thrilled about this. He did say I could control the amount and could use the least amount possible during labor. We still want to discuss this farther and make sure we understand exactly what they would require and think about it more ourselves. Ryan thinks he heard the doctor say, after I explained I wanted as natural a labor as possible and that I was hesitant about an epidural, that they would just need to have me ready for it, have everything in, and that way they could just administer the actual epidural if a section was suddenly needed. I am not sure I remember hearing that. BUT if they can have it in and he's told me I can control the amount before they *need* it for a surgery, it would make sense that they could also just have me prepped and not actually inject it until the time...right? We're going to try to ask about this sooner than another appointment, maybe emailing him, if he will respond.

Another problem with the epidural, which I totally didn't think about while in the office (seriously, if I don't have it written down, it doesn't get said!) is that epidurals/spinals make me EXTREMELY sick. I threw up all through Camden's surgery and the next couple days. I was pumped FULL of Zofran during Aiden's section, but during recovery the nurses always waited until I was on the floor throwing up before giving me more (how fun do you think that is when you've just had abdominal surgery?!), even though I would tell them while I was still in bed how sick I was. It was horrible, and I don't want to have to worry about throwing up the entire time I'm in labor and for days afterward. I know they can also give me the Zofran with the epidural, but I also don't want to be so medicated (or medicated at all)! So, we'll also need to mention this to him... Ugh. Just thinking about it is making me miserable. I was so loving the thought that a natural labor would mean not having to deal with all of that awfulness.

So, there are two things we were told that we didn't completely LOVE. For the most part, we were very happy with what we were told, though. But those two things are bugging us and giving us plenty to think about for a while. We already have a list of questions for the next time we go in...which could be a while b/c we won't be due back until we are actually pregnant. I suppose we could call or email, but talking in person is best with this kind of thing. Actually, some of it we might email about - parts that we want to be clear we understand.

Another concern we had, knowing this was a large office, was how other doctors in the practice would feel about us doing this VBAC-2 and would some be more likely to push for a section once in labor, especially if we weren't progressing as quickly as they wanted. Of course, some will be more section-happy than others, but he thought as motivated as we were, with me being a good candidate, etc, etc, that we shouldn't have a problem with that. He also stated that, as head of the department, he would have a say in how they treated us and would let it be known we are to be supported in trying for a trial of labor and delivery. Really, he was very pro-VBAC. He never made it sound like anyone in the office would be against the VBAC - just that some might push a surgery after a prolonged labor sooner than others. We never felt like we were trying to convince him; from the start he was very supportive and encouraging. It was such a positive experience. I was really nervous about the consultation beforehand, but the second he started talking, I immediately felt much better about the whole thing. 

He even gave me an article to read....and this wasn't an article trying to show how dangerous VBAC-2s were; it's a review with a meta-analysis (a research article that uses information from multiple studies, looking at various components, etc) that compares the risks/success rates/adverse outcomes with VBAC-1, VBAC-2, and RCS (repeated c-sections, specifically a third c-section for this article). It was actually very interesting, especially when it showed that there were no significant differences in all three groups when looking at neonatal unit admission rates and asphyxial injury/neonatal death rates. I appreciate a doctor who is trying to back up the safety of what I'm trying to do with others' research instead of trying to use scare tactics to get me to do something else.

Here's a snip-it from the article, if you're interested. This is from the abstract, so it's brief. Interesting stuff. I kind of felt like I was back in college/grad school reading this article. ;)

VBAC-2 success rate was 71.1%, uterine rupture rate 1.36%, hysterectomy rate 0.55%, blood transfusion 2.01%, neonatal unit admission rate 7.78% and perinatal asphyxial injury/death 0.09%. VBAC-2 versus VBAC-1 success rates were 4064/5666 (71.1%) versus 38 814/50 685 (76.5%) (P < 0.001); associated uterine rupture rate 1.59% versus 0.72% (P < 0.001) and hysterectomy rates were 0.56% versus 0.19% (P = 0.001) respectively. Comparing VBAC-2 versus RCS, the hysterectomy rates were 0.40% versus 0.63% (P = 0.63), transfusion 1.68% versus 1.67% (P = 0.86) and febrile morbidity 6.03% versus 6.39%, respectively (P = 0.27). Maternal morbidity of VBAC-2 was comparable to RCS. Neonatal morbidity data were too limited to draw valid conclusions, however, no significant differences were indicated in VBAC-2, VBAC-1 and RCS groups in NNU admission rates and asphyxial injury/neonatal death rates (Mantel–Haenszel).

Aside from VBAC/c-section stuff, we also asked how they treat Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), knowing going into the next pregnancy that I have this condition, which is known for being worse with each pregnancy (yay...). He first said to start taking Vitamin B6 before getting pregnant. Get Unisom once pregnant. I've heard a lot about using both of these for HG, so I wasn't too surprised. I appreciated this b/c he didn't automatically jump to medicating like the other office we currently visit have - they say to just get right on Zofran. And yes, this still means taking supplements/medication...but it's the lowest level before going on other medications such as Zofran, which I was on during the entire pregnancy with Aiden (that and phenergan). I would rather try what he suggested first and hopefully not have to take Zofran or maybe at least  put off taking it or not have to take it as long as before. He also discussed eating and drinking...being sure to drink caloric beverages but not to worry about eating if I couldn't. Maybe, he said, we're really designed not to eat much during that time and that's why we get so nauseous; that first trimester is when so many important things are forming in a baby, and it's when toxic ingredients, chemicals, etc, will be most dangerous. This is a whole other topic, BUT we really appreciated how he answered. Learning what his approach is to various things was helping us feel we could trust him more. He did say if we needed medication, we needed it. And I agree, but we'll start with these other things first. (My fingers are crossed! How I would love to not have to take medication for another entire pregnancy...)

So, for the most part we were very pleased. We do still have a few things to ask about. I forgot to ask how they feel about me having a doula around, in case we want to go in that direction, which we are considering. He happened to mention they are looking into having midwives working with them, and I really liked hearing that. Like he said, having a midwife there with us will help increase our chances with a VBAC b/c midwives are typically very against any unnecessary c-section. (He spoke about this in a positive way, which is good. Some doctors are pretty against having doulas or midwives around.) And we want to ask more about the post-date stuff and get more information on the epidural aspect.

But overall - fairly positive. I hope the rest of the doctors are as personable and assuring as he is. We really liked how he spoke with us and what his approach seemed to be. (He wasn't crazy about the fact that we don't get the flu shot, but that's a whole other topic. And just because he thinks it's a good idea doesn't mean we have to do it. Because we won't. But I digress...) We're looking forward to asking some more questions and seeing him in the future. And if it comes to it and we don't feel comfortable, we have one more avenue to explore - another office that we hear is very VBAC (and VBAC-2) friendly...but there might be some issues with insurance and navigating that would surely be a lot of fun. 

If any of you know some things to share about VBACs, suggestions, questions, or whatever, please comment away. We would love to hear what they are! Please keep it nice, though. We're seeking support here. Anything that's pushy in the opposite direction will not be appreciated. Not to say that if you have genuine concerns or questions you can't share that, but we would appreciate no rude remarks. :) Thanks so much! 

Oh, and if you're curious about WHY we're hoping for a VBAC-2, I'm happy to explain. But that's a topic for another post. This one is long enough. ;)

VBACs, Migraines, and other fun stuff

So, yesterday wasn't the most fun day ever. Could have been worse, I'm sure, but I'm certainly glad it wasn't. It started off with a small headache and just got worse from there... This post isn't just to gripe, though. It's about something I'm hoping to experience and to explain what a blessing my family is. My boys, all three of them, are incredible. :)

I had a dr appt in the morning, which means driving far from home because all of our doctors are at least three or four cities away...driving is often an hour or so, each way. Fun. I went in for a follow-up. Things were fine, but the doctor mentioned at one point (about a cyst on my ovary that wasn't changing any) that when we got pregnant again, I could just have the doctor take a look at it during the c-section. She knows I've had two and so it's assumed any more with also be sections. Well, that was a good segue into a topic that I wasn't really planning on bring up right then but would come up eventually, so I went on and brought it up... VBACs. (For anyone that doesn't know, VBAC means Vaginal Birth After Cesarean).

The problem is, not only have I had one section...but two. The first was absolutely necessary. While baby fat might squish, baby heads can only get so much smaller and no more. Camden had a very large head. After a very intense and painful labor and a few hours of pushing, an emergency c-section was necessary because his head literally would not fit through. Aiden's section...was planned. (And my what a difference between an emergency and planned! Wow.) They heard how big Camden was (11lbs - what's the big deal?) and said no way to a VBAC. At that time, we were not sure which way to go, and so we went along with what they said. Now that I know more, I wish we hadn't. But we did. What's done is done. Aiden wasn't nearly as big as expected. He still came in at 8lbs 11oz, but that's no 11-pounder. And not a big head. The big head comes from Camden's dad, so there's obviously no concern about that from this point on. The weight comes from my side, but I'm not concerned about that, either - remember, it squishes. The head was the problem.

While many places will attempt a VBAC after one section, depending on the reason for the surgery, it's harder to find people that will go for a VBA2C. My dr said they did attempt VBACs (after 1) but she didn't think they did them after 2, and on the way out, she ran into another dr in the practice who said, nope, they don't. I walked out feeling really defeated. Really. Some people will say, what's the big deal? There are risks to having VBACs. Well, yes, but there are more risks to having multiple c-sections. I want to at least have those risks weighed, look at all pros and cons of either possibilities, see what not only affects me now but also when it comes to possibly having more children, etc, etc. I might go into this more (the reasons, risks, etc) in another post at another time. But it's important to me to be given the opportunity if it is possible. There are a number of reasons. And having that option taken away...well, like I said, I felt very defeated.

On the way home, headache was getting worse. It started out a headache, now it's getting to migraine status. Quickly. We haven't decided why yet, but I've been getting them a lot lately (as in over the last six months or more - took me a while to realize they were migraines, and they've continued to get worse lately).

Then Aiden falls asleep on the way home. This is not good. Sometimes he'll go to his bed after falling asleep; sometimes not. If you saw the post on his night terrors, you know why his nap is important. Now I'm regretting having the appt so close to lunchtime, but there really wasn't a choice. And...of course, he doesn't nap once home. We tried. Really tried.

By then, my migraine was getting really bad. It soon reached the point where it might very well be the worst I have ever had. By the time Camden gets home from school, I'm lying on the couch, pretty much not able to function. He was the sweetest thing ever, trying to take care of me. He offered me something to eat about every five seconds, which was a tiny bit annoying...but I'll take that over ignoring me. It really was sweet, though, and he was so caring. I love being reminded of what a great kid he is. Aiden, who can't stand anyone to lie down (or pretend they're sleeping), finally got the hint that mom didn't feel well and showed a bit of sweetness, too. At one point, he was climbing to sit next to me, and he bumped my head really hard with his - right where my head was throbbing. I covered my face so he wouldn't see me crying about it (man, it hurt!), but he did notice after a while. He patted my face softly and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Mommy. I'm sorry." (Sniff! Sweet child.) When Ryan called to say he was on his way home (you know mama is sick if she asks him to come home...and without even hinting about it first, too!), Camden took the call. I lifted my head up to hear something over speaker-phone, and Aiden gently tried to push my head back down and said, "No, go to sleep." Seriously, how sweet are my kids?! This is totally unlike Aiden, so he must really have understood I wasn't feeling well. It did take a while...first he kept shoving toys in my face and trying to play on top of me or tell me to get up. But still.

Ryan got home around 5:00 or so, and I went up to bed. Thank God I have an awesome husband that is willing (and able) to come home a little early and just take over with everything. I didn't get to sleep until 10pm or later, but it still was nice to lie in bed, in the dark. Aiden came up for his bedtime to nurse, and then he just stayed there and slept next to me. Since he didn't nap, we were worried about a bad night, and I didn't want to have to get up in the middle of the night. He actually did fairly well. A couple times he moaned some and kicked his legs around, tossed and turned some. I was worried it would get worse, but it really didn't. Maybe he should just start out in bed with us more often...

Anyway, it was a rough day. Worst headache ever. I even had nausea with this one, and I never have that. Woke up with a tiny bit of a headache this morning, but it was the kind I can ignore and still go on about my day. That's good because it was my turn to host a playdate, and I really didn't want to cancel! So, we were able to have friends over and have a great time. Aiden is now napping right on schedule. Today is a much better day.

Now, back to the VBAC issue... I love our ob/gyn office. I really do. And so I was very disappointed to have my bubble burst before leaving. But later the dr emailed me saying that some folks over AT Duke *would* consider letting me labor and try for a natural delivery (no induction, though, which is fine with me). The practice I see is affiliated with Duke but not located in the hospital. This other group is associated with the high risk ob dept, I believe. So, hopefully we can soon set up a prepregnancy appointment and see if they can do a risk-analysis and see what they say. (Um, don't assume this means much of anything. We are not pregnant right now. We're big on planning ahead. And this is not something you want to discuss and plan AFTER getting pregnant...) I'm not betting yet that this means I definitely will get to try for a natural delivery, but I'm hopeful that it might mean I have a chance. I know other things could get in the way, too, such as a chance of placenta previa (which I dealt with during both previous pregnancies), etc. Hopefully none of that will be a concern, but you never know. We'll just have to wait and see what they think after hearing my history, etc. Not sure how soon that will happen, but I'll update.

25 Things...You MUST Know About Me! ;)

OK, maybe they aren't things you MUST know.....but here they are regardless.

This has been making its way around Facebook like crazy. I posted this there but thought I would put it on here to share, as well. I would love to read yours....either posted as a comment, emailed to us, or posted on your own blog (comment and leave the link so I can check it out!). Consider yourself "tagged."

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I always give more information than most people probably want when writing. I give LOTS of details and run on and on about things. I feel I have to be sure to include every little thing. It's just how I write. Always has been. (See - I'm doing it already!)
   
2. One of my proudest accomplishments is graduating from Berea College SUMMA Cum Laude (that's highEST honors) - as a SINGLE MOM. I received one A- and one B. I graduated #3 in my entire graduating class (of the entire school, not just my program). By the way, Berea is not an "easy" school. Ask any of us that went there. That one B I received was from a class I took in Mexico on one of my short term courses at Berea (a month-long class) - totally worth it.
   
3. One of the most frustrating things to me is knowing that I am intelligent (see #2), knowing that I have my Masters degree, and having NO IDEA what I want to do "when I grow up." I feel like I'm wasting my intelligence, esp when what I really enjoy is being around little babies - esp my own (so I LOVE being a stay-at-home mom...and I guess I'm pretty qualified having a degree in Psychology and my Master's in Social Work...)
   
4. I love photography. I think I am decent but really want to get better and be a REAL photographer. I would actually go back to school for this. In a heartbeat.
   
5. I have the hardest time telling left from right. No kidding. I even do the thing where you hold your fingers up and your thumb out - the one that makes the "L" is the left, and I still have to take time to think about that! Because of this I suck at directions. Really suck at it.
   
6. Because of the directions issue, I get very anxious when driving somewhere new or somewhere with lots of traffic where I have to figure out turns, etc (hate places with one-way streets). When I say anxious, I mean anxious in am almost-clinical sense. I can freak out about it very easily. I'm working on this.......
   
7. I DO want to have a daughter one day, but not for the reason most people assume. Yeah, it might be fun to have a little baby girl, dress her up, etc. That's not what I care about. I want that adult mother/daughter relationship, like I have with my mom. It's amazingly special and just isn't the same with moms and sons. There are some things that make moms and daughters so close as adults. But I do love my boys more than anything in this world! I would be happy with all boys.
   
8. My first son was 11lbs at birth. I did go through back labor and more than two hours of pushing - with NO MEDS b/c I went into labor too quickly. They finally realized his head would not fit through and did an emergency c-section. I love seeing the look on people's faces when they realize someone as small as me had a baby that size - and Camden loves telling it, too! (When the nurse told me Aiden was 8.11, I said "That's ALL?!" - We all expected larger!)
   
9. I love to cross-stitch. But I haven't been able to do it in ages. Time issues.
   
10. I cannot stand it when people misspell "definitely." There is no "a" in that word, people!
    
11. I am horrible when it comes to small talk. Absolutely horrible. I think it's partly b/c I am very shy. Some people think I am stuck-up, but I assure you, it's me being shy.
    
12. I research every little thing in more detail than probably necessary. Almost any purchase, decision, etc.. I always go into something knowing exactly why/why not I am/am not doing it.
    
13. I suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum - SEVERE nausea/vomiting during pregnancy. Without meds, I would have been hospitalized in no time b/c I couldn't eat any type of food or even keep a sip of ginger ale down. When preggo with Camden, it lasted through the fifth month, with Aiden, I took medication around the clock until I went in for surgery to deliver him. I skipped the meds once on accident during my ninth month of pregnancy - and was sick as a dog until I realized why and the meds kicked in. Even with the problems I have with pregnancy (sickness, the joint problems - which were really bad this time around, the placenta problems, etc), I LOVE being pregnant. It's one of the most amazing things ever to experience, and I miss it.
    
14. I feel like I was born to be a mom. It comes so naturally to me. I had my first child at 19, and even then I felt completely comfortable and competent as a new mom.
    
15. It really angers me that people make assumptions when they find out I was so young when I got pregnant the first time. And then when they make assumptions about the fact that I married Camden's father only to get divorced less than three years later. Trust me, you most likely do NOT know what I've been through and you shouldn't judge me based on the fact that I was a "teen mom" or that I've been through a divorce. There is way more to the story and I've been through much more (and worse) than what most think.
    
16. I have suffered from insomnia my entire life (as in since I was a baby - just ask my mom!). I have been to doctors who actually told me (after trying multiple drugs, different dosages, etc, etc) that they couldn't help me sleep. It's been a life-long struggle. I can't nap, either. I need LOTS of sleep (as in nine or more hours) and I love sleep, but I hate going to sleep b/c it is just so hard. And then I impossible to wake up. I finally found one medicine that helps me, but I won't take it while nursing.
    
17. Ryan and I have been accused of being "too polite" to one another. (How is that a problem??)
    
18. The one job I have loved more than anything (other than being a mom!) is being the head teacher in a nursery (ages 6mos - 1 year). That is a wonderful age, where they are learning to do so much!! I know I am good with babies, with their parents, and I just loved it. I was there for two years, made absolutely no money, and I would do it again with no hesitation. It's sad that people look down on that kind of job. It's very rewarding.
    
19. For about seven years, I suffered from terrible joint pain in my knees and wrists. I have been diagnosed with several different things and have been tested for so many things with various specialists - that were all wrong, of course. For years, I had to sleep with wrist guards - and wore them often during the day, too. The pain spread to my ankles in the last year of it all. I knew I could not have THREE separate things going on. When the pain got so bad that I could not sit, type, stand, or do basically anything for more than five minutes without wanting to scream or cry, I did what we all do - called my mom and begged for some advice. She has severe food allergies and suggested it could be an allergy but warned it might take a while to find out. I went off wheat and within ONE DAY the pain was completely gone. My doctors and rheumatologist agreed that must be it - a wheat intolerance. I have been pain-free for just over a year now. I do eat wheat again, but I had a bread-intolerance while pregnant, so I hardly . They think I have a tolerance level that I will have to build up to before the pain returns. We'll see what it is.
    
20. I am very empathetic, maybe too much. I can feel what others are going through very easily. If I see someone crying, I will cry, too. But then again, I cry over just about anything - good, bad, sad. It can be a commercial on tv, knowing someone else is hurt, or just seeing someone else crying (even someone I don't know...).
    
21. I like red wine (not white), fruity cocktails, and bud light. In moderation, of course. (There is just no need to get smashed all the time.) I haven't had a drop of anything since we were trying to get preggo - so, in about 13 months. I hate margaritas - actually, it's the tequila I hate. I think it's gross.
    
22. I had hoped to meet some really close girlfriends here in NC, but it hasn't really happened the way I wanted so far. I really miss my girlfriends from back home and having those kind of really close relationships.
    
23. My eyes adjust really quickly to sudden darkness/brightness.
    
24. I grew up helping on the farms of both my sets of grandparents. I have helped with tobacco and gathering/milking cows a lot. Being the oldest girl in my generation, I was always the one in charge of all the other kids, along with doing the farm help. I have great memories of working and playing on the farms.
    
25. I am really indecisive. Once when taking some questionnaire that asked if I was indecisive, I asked Ryan b/c I couldn't decide... I think I answered my own question.
    
26. I have made many mistakes in my life but have few regrets. Those mistakes have led me to where I am now, who I am with now, what I know now, and who I am. Without them, life would not be what it is, so I am appreciative of what my mistakes have done for me.
    
27. I am proud to say that almost everything we eat in my home is homemade. I grew up eating that way and that's how I do it (thank you, Mom!!!). I will NOT allow frozen premade things such as biscuits, rolls, or many other things in my home. There are a few convenience foods I will get, but I always do something to make them more "homemade" (i.e. spaghetti sauce that I add lots of veggies and other things, etc).
    
28. I don't like when people assume they know anything about me just b/c they know I am a Christian. People have such strong ideas about what that means, but it's different for so many. You can assume I believe in God, that I love Jesus, that I try to be a decent and loving person, but that's about it. Don't assume you know what I think is "right" or "wrong" b/c that's not what it's about for me. Feel free to ask me what it means - and what it does NOT mean to me. I'm pretty open about it.
    
29. I had always planned on publishing a book of my own poetry that included poems I wrote from middle school up until the present (whenever the book was published). I haven't written a poem in years, though. On my wedding programs, the poem on the front was a poem I wrote for Ryan. It's obviously a favorite and one that I thought was good (seeing how I let everyone at the wedding read it on the program...)
    
30. The clothes in my closet (and Camden's) are color-coordinated (think ROY-G-BIV).
    
31. When I was really young (2 or 3), I locked myself in a bathroom with scissors and a kewpie doll (google it) so I could cut my hair like the doll, which basically meant I cut all my hair off. I think I did this again later on...
    
32. I like to be rebelious and break rules - the ones I know I can break and get away with it. I am a stickler about following important ones, but others are different. Tell me I have to do it one way or can't do something - and I might be out to prove you "can't make me" (right, Mom?) ;) I'm careful about which rules I break, though. (Like doing more than 25 random facts here...) Ryan says that I am doing more than 25 b/c I'm an overachiever. He's kind of right. I always do more.

Happy Birthday, Aiden!!!

Baby Aiden Joseph is here!!

The c-section went really well. They gave mom a bunch of meds for nausea (so I didn't vomit during the entire procedure like I did with my first), and that made all the difference! I was nervous about getting the spinal, but there were some AWESOME nurses, anesthesiologists, and doctors working with me, and they helped so much! We even got to do the surgery earlier than planned, which was great, too! It meant we got to meet our new baby that much sooner!

Aiden was born at 10:39am. He weighed in at only 8lbs, 11oz (we expected at least 9lbs, and compared to Camden being 11, this is small!) and measured 20in. long. We were surprised to see a head full of dark hair!! He wanted to nurse right away and took right to it - a pro from the start! He nursed as soon as we got into the recovery room (directly after the surgery was finished) and then went to have his first bath, have his glucose tested (which they do if the baby is over a certain weight - and he was fine each time they checked), etc. Other than that, he's been sleeping away!

Mom has been experiencing the expected pain after the c-section. But I'm not complaining TOO much since I remember how horrible it was to have this pain on top of the day FULL of throwing up when Camden was born. (Not a good mix with surgery in the abdominal region...) I'm taking some "good" meds, am not feeling much difference with them, but am keeping things in perspective. I did get a perfect baby out of this, after all. What's some pain, right? ;)

Camden has been so excited to meet his new brother. He waited anxiously for him to wake up so he could finally hold him! Daddy got to change Aiden's first diaper, which was, of course, dirty - and as he put on the new diaper, he peed into it - so he got to change it again! Aiden looks a lot like Ryan. I knew it ever since we saw the first ultrasound - Aiden has daddy's lips! :) We also think he has Ryan's toes and fingers. And we think he might have mommy's dark skin, but we're still waiting to be sure. He definitely has my dark hair, though!

Here are some of Aiden's first pictures. You can click on the slideshow to view them in the album if you prefer.



We'll give more updates later! Thank you for all the prayers and good thoughts. We are so very thankful for such a perfect baby boy!!!

Week 16 & 17 Comparisons - the week of GROWTH!

So I claimed before (couple posts ago) that I grew so much between week 16 and 17. It's very true. I couldn't believe what a difference 7 days made!

Don't believe me? Here are some pics to compare...

16 weeks * 17 weeks

Belly Shot at 14 weeks!

This is a big difference from two weeks ago! (We skipped last week b/c we were worried over our scare and weren't in the mood for pictures...)

Baby A is definitely growing!

I saw a lady in the bathroom today - someone I didn't know. And she asked if my belly was a little pooch (meaning a baby belly). I was so happy b/c it means that others that I don't know can tell I'm pregnant now, too. So it doesn't just look like I've gained a little weight now. :)

(Maybe now people will give up their seats on the bus so I don't have to stand...Hmmmm...)

Date Night - Whoo Hoo!!!

Tonight Camden's school had a Parents Night Out, where they watch the kids from 6-10 while parents enjoy a nice night sans children. :) So we obviously took advantage! Ryan took me out to the new Japanese restaurant in town - Ginza. (I took the good medicine tonight. I couldn't drive, but I could eat!) :) It was really yummy and as always, entertaining. Then we went to the restaurant right across the parking lot to Stonewood (one of our favorites) for dessert. Mmmmmmm.... He planned this all out perfectly! When we got home, we cuddled up to watch a movie and ended the night by watching the slideshow that I created to use in our wedding. It was so much fun to get a little dressed up and spend some time alone.

Daisy & Ryan

Daisy - 14 weeks pregnant

Our Baby is Growing!

We went for an ultrasound yesterday. It was actually the first trimester screening, where they look for Downs Syndrome. But we mostly did it for the extra ultrasound, to be honest. It would be nice to be prepared for a child with DS, but we've already discussed what would happen in the case of having a child with any type of disability. We will absolutely love and parent to the best of our abilities ANY child that God decides to give us.

So we got the ultrasound. Wow! It never ceases to amaze, does it? We could see the baby so clearly. And it was moving around, turning some, moving it's little arms. We even got to see it swallowing. :) It is just absolutely incredible. The nurse doing the ultrasound kept commenting on how "good" and "cooperative" the baby was being - being still when she needed to take the pictures for the screening, and staying on it's side most of the time, so we saw the profile. Ryan and I couldn't help but say to each other later that it would be fine if the baby continues to be "good" and "cooperative" after it's born. Haha! :)

Something that is so incredible is how much this little one moves around and I can't even feel it!! Sometimes at night in bed, I think I can feel it a little bit, but then again, I could be feeling other things or just want to feel it so much that I'm imagining things (you other moms know what I mean!). I know it will happen soon enough, though. But it's so crazy to see it move so much and not be able to feel that!

Here are a couple pictures of our little one. There are more posted on our Picasa Albums (link to the side of the blog), along with more belly pictures, too. :)

The first is a profile of the head and belly, second is a little foot!, and the third is a 3D image of the head and a little arm next to the face (the nurse said, "it's being dramatic!"). More pictures on the albums online - we got plenty this time around!

Starting to SHOW!

Wow - this baby has apparently grown a lot over the past couple weeks - or at least I have! I actually haven't gained much weight. I dropped back to my prepregnancy weight (due to the morning sickness ordeal we've been going through), and I think over the last week, I might have gained one or two pounds. But my belly is growing nonetheless! :)

We have also begun to baby shop! We have snagged some great deals on clothes for baby for this time next year. We got some especially adorable things from baby Gap - for very, very cheap, too! Of course, we're limited on what we can buy, not yet knowing the sex of little Baby Adkins, but we got what cute gender neutral items we could find. It's been a lot of fun!

Belly Shots! :)

11 weeks - Sunday, Jan 20th, 2008

Look at that little bump!

I am really loving having this belly and watching it grow!

Baby Pics! Yay!

Last night I discovered that if I suck in my belly as much as I can - my belly still has a little bump sticking out! Not much, but enough for us to notice. :) I was really happy about that!

We went back to the doctor's office today for a little check up. They wanted me to come in to check my fluid levels, etc. I got to meet one of the doctors this time, and she is really great. I loved how she spoke to us, she seemed to have a great personality. I feel really good seeing her already. :)

So, everything checked out ok so far. The doctor seemed satisfied. She came in and said it was good and I was still gaining weight... I corrected her there. They apparently wrote in my prepregnancy weight (130 - yeah, I will say my weight) last week instead of what I weighed in at that time (137 - gained a little weight while eating lots of holiday goodies while on the good meds...). But this week, I was down 133.6, which means I really lost quite a bit of weight in the last week.

The doctor asked if we wanted to hear the heartbeat before we left, which of course we did! She tried to find it with her little wand on my belly but was having difficulty, and when she knew we wouldn't be back for two weeks, she said, "Well, I know you'll worry, so let's go....." I knew what she meant, and I wasn't going to stop her! It was ultrasound time! :) Below are some pics of our little bean! Heartbeat was pumping (we could see it - so fast!) at 170 beats/minute. I could tell what everything was on the screen, too. The picture was so clear. We could see the head, the heart pumping, the legs, an arm sticking up. It's truly amazing.


The first picture shows the baby's heart (in the little square).

This second one - if you know what to look for - shows the head, an arm, the legs, a foot, and the umbilical cord. Now, which of you can actually find all of that?

To see the pictures better (a little clearer and not so messed up from resizing...) - go to our online photo albums: picasaweb.google.com/daisyryan.adkins

Cheated today...

I got to eat today! Yay!!! Well, I actually cheated... I had some phenergan left over and took that instead of the zofran. We had brunch at the Cheesecake Factory (yum-yum!). Ryan got coffee, and the smell was just amazing to me! Oh how I wanted some! I knew it would irritate my stomach, but I did have a couple sips of his. Mmm-mm-mm. I wanted to bottle up the smell so I could take it with me. (Though it would probably make me feel worse if I wasn't on this medication, to be honest!).

Then we did some maternity clothes shopping. We certainly did some damage, but I got everything except for two items on sale, I do believe! ;) I felt so much better today after taking the other medicine. Wow - it makes such a difference!!! I feel like a completely different person altogether. We are definitely calling the doctor about some new meds on Monday, I'll tell you that.

We also made a quick stop at Babies R Us and started our registry there. Oh, who am I kidding... I started that thing online months ago! But we put some more on there and found the furniture we want for the nursery. It was fun. A little overwhelming because they have so many different types of cribs and changing stations (we want one that can continue to be used after the diapers are gone) and rocking chairs and mattresses... I just wanted a simple selection, but there is no such thing! We did find what we liked fairly quickly, though, and put a few more things on the registry. It was fun doing it together. Even Camden got to help out - he did all the scanning! :)

We told our Life Group (small group of folks from church that meet once a week in our homes) about the pregnancy tonight. :) That was fun! We actually had a cool way to tell them all planned out, but a different opportunity came up, and we couldn't resist. Jeff, the leader, was going over some dates coming up, to make sure we would all be at those meetings. We were agreeing that we would be there, and then Ryan said, "Well, we won't be there for a Sunday in August - the 10th - because that's Daisy's due date." It was really cute and a lot of fun. I think we have told everyone by now - except I have to tell my supervisor at my practicum, which starts back this week. I'll have to tell her right away since I'm still dealing with the HG and trying to find meds that work, but I'm looking forward to telling her. It's just such an exciting time, even if I do feel like poop.

Quite a Christmas!

So....long time no blog. We just got back home from a wonderful trip to our other homes in KY and WV. It was so great to be around all of our family, and we got to see so many people that we have missed! Plus, we got to share our wonderful news! :)

But first...about the "morning" sickness.... The day before we left for KY I did manage to get myself over to the pharmacy to pick up some medication the dr called in. It took me a while, and a couple trips to the bathroom, but I got there. I had a ton of questions for the pharmacist, and he was so great about answering all of my questions (very patient even when he kept thinking I was done and would start to walk away. haha!). I was walking out with meds in hand and Camden beside me when I started laughing. On the side of the bottle: "Take with food." Is this a joke!? I am taking this because of my inability to eat, and I am expected to EAT to take this... Hmmmmmm. Doesn't really make sense to me. Somebody's idea of a sick joke in my opinion. Anyway, I managed to get down some crackers and took the medicine, and it knocked me OUT! Good thing was - I was able to eat something once I woke up enough to do so. I was first not so sure about this medicine thing, but now I have bought into it.

So we told the parents with gifts we had wrapped for each one, as I mentioned before. Well, when we get to my mom's house - at midnight - Gene (I should have seen this coming...) asks right away, "So, are you pregnant yet?" What am I supposed to say?! I can't say yes because we have planned how to tell them, and it is more special than this, so I lie. And I don't lie well. I don't like to lie and just feel too guilty when doing it. I'm sure they could tell, especially Gene, but they acted like they bought it. We let them open their gift the next night while the family was all together. Mom even guessed it might be something about being pregnant, but the looks on their faces were still priceless.

Mom & Gene

The good thing about letting them find out this way is that we got pictures of each set of parents discovering we were pregnant. That was so wonderful! Everybody was excited, some were very surprised. All in all, it was a perfect Christmas!

Dad, Lauren, and Lisa

Surprise Sharon!!!

Sharon and David

Susan and Gary

Gary is still reading and realizing what the note says (and he was very excited once he got it!)

Camden was the one that announced the pregnancy to extended family...with his "big brother" t-shirt. At the first gathering, an aunt saw the shirt, as we walk into the crowded room. "Why does his shirt say... What? You're not... Are you....." It was great! The other gathering was a little more difficult. All the Boyers (my father's family) met to eat at Hometown (the BEST pizza place ever), so Camden was sitting, making it harder to see his shirt. He kept trying to make it so people could see, and finally got to speak with one of my aunts. He turn to face her and kept wiggling, hoping to get her to notice. He finally pulls at his shirt, making it fairly obvious. It was hilarious. Everyone starts talking and yelling with excitement. Such a fun moment, really. I will not forget this Christmas, that is certain! I'm already trying to decide how we will ever match this when we have another...