What's in a Name?

We are so blessed. We were hopeful that 2013 would be a great year, especially after the traumas we went through last year. And let me just say that, so far, 2013 is kicking 2012's ass! This year has been FULL of blessings, and we are just so grateful! We have had wonderful doctors working with us, many incredible friends praying for us...and a healthy baby growing inside of me.

We went today for our mid-pregnancy ultrasound...the anatomy ultrasound. MOST IMPORTANTLY, the baby is growing right on target, heart, brain, spine, everything looks GREAT and is just as it should be. Again, we are so blessed! The baby was being a bit stubborn and not really cooperating...not being still when the tech was trying to get specific views and measurements and then not moving enough when trying to look at other things. But he managed to see what he needed to see, and we managed to get to see our beautiful baby and hear that incredible sound of a strong, beating heart. And yes, we did get to find out the sex. We are most concerned about a healthy pregnancy and baby. We were curious, though, and did want to be able to give this little one a name and stop calling it "it." So, while we would have been thrilled with either a girl or a boy, we are happy to announce that we are most definitely having a baby girl.

Our little girl...Grey Elise.

Yes, I do love the color grey. But that isn't where her name comes from. We've had this name picked out for nearly two years now. Well, Grey has been the first name for that long, and Elise has been the chosen middle name for about ten or eleven years. And now we'll have a little girl to give those names. Blessed.

So, what's in a name? This name is PACKED with meaning for us.

June 26th, 2011... The worship leader at church sang a song, and something about it just spoke to me. Especially one line... "Grey is not a compromise. It is the bridge between two lines. I would even argue that it is the color that most represents God's eyes." 

Later, I emailed our worship leader, Stephen Claybrook, to find out the name of the song. I got that and then found out more about the meaning behind the song. I was hooked. Everything about the song and the meaning behind it spoke to me. The first time I heard the song, when Stephen sang this at church that morning, I just knew that if I were ever to have a girl, her name would be Grey. Learning more about the song just sealed the deal.

The song has to do with our journeys through life and the experiences we go through, some lasting just seconds, that create change in us and cause us to look at things differently, to appreciate things we so easily overlook. I'll let you read about the song on your own, and I hope you do (I'll include a link at the end of this post, as well as lyrics to the song, and a video so you can hear the song that inspired the name). The words have so much more meaning than you might think, and the story behind it is just beautiful in so many ways. Here is one paragraph from the songwriter that sums up part of the meaning (but it will make so much more sense if you read it on the website to get the background information!):
"probably goes without saying that the theme of the song is about making change. essential change. it’s about appreciating each small and overlooked gift that is tucked away into our lives… it’s also about acknowledging that so much of life is gray. meaning, from our perspective, things are not so simple and defined – and that’s entirely okay. for reasons beyond our comprehension everyone faces different sets of challenges and complications in their lives… some are significantly tougher than others. what’s important is making the changes necessary in our own lives in order to value more fully the people that we love and who love us back. it’s a song of recalibration. thanks to that brief interaction with that incredibly kind and brave couple, recalibration has bumped itself way up on our priority list, where it belongs."

We often don't stop to realize just how precious life is and to really appreciate these small moments that make us who we are and affect how we see the world and those around us. The songwriter wrote this based on some things that he experienced. The miscarriages and suffering we went through over the last couple years have been that for us. When you go through a crisis (or more than one crises), during that time, you realize so many things. For one, so much of life and our life experiences are full of these grey areas...where we don't always get to understand why things happen to us, complicated situations that have no explanation. We also realize that some things in life just aren't as important as you allowed them to become, and other things take higher priority. You realize what truly matters. And in a matter of seconds your life is changed, you think differently and live differently. It's hard to put into words how these moments come together to change us so much. But they have. Our recent experiences have been so very difficult, yet thanks to them, our lives are changed for the better. True, we're more aware of this raw, intense pain we hadn't lived through before. We're more broken and will never be put together the way we were before. Yet we're more aware of the beauty and love around us, as well, and we appreciate so many small blessings we get to experience daily, that we might not have noticed on the same level before. And while I fell in love with the name Grey before any of these losses happened, going through all of this to get to this point in a healthy pregnancy has made this name mean so much more to us because our journey has been full of so many of these moments that changed us and caused us to look at our lives and our priorities in a different way, appreciating things that were easily overlooked. Grey is this journey for us.

Elise. I heard that name so many years ago and just loved how it sounded. I saved it in case I ever had a daughter. Then I realized...my great-grandmother's name is Elsie, and those two names are the same but with the "i" and "s" switched. That made me appreciate the name and want to use it even more. It is my way of honoring Mom Elsie, who is such an important woman in my family. I've always felt like she is the glue that holds so many of us together, that brings us together in a way that I have always appreciated and respected. She turned 93 this January, and she is a force to be reckoned with, that's for sure. She is such an important person in my life, and I love that I found a way to name my daughter after her.

If we were having a boy, we also had a name picked out. One that is also very significant, though the explanation is much shorter and simpler. After our three losses recently, we were drawn to name those babies. When looking over a list of names that we liked for the babies, Ryan picked one out and said he wanted to save it, in case we did have a boy later on. It was one of my favorites from the group, and it made sense to name a living child this name, if we were to have a boy. Jude Aeron. That name means "praise; thanks" (Jude), "the battle is over" (Aeron). To be honest, part of me wanted a boy and a girl so I could use both of these names. I fell in love with both of them, and they both carry so much significance with what we have been through. We don't know at this point if we'll have any more children. Perhaps if we ever were to have another boy, we would still use this name. All of that is unknown at this point.

To read more about the meaning of the song that led us to Grey, please go here. The song is called 101010, by Sleeping at Last. http://sleepingatlast.com/101010-how-it-was-made/

And for those interested in hearing the song, here it is, as well. I hope one day our little lady appreciates hearing the story (and maybe even the song) behind her name.


Here are the lyrics:

101010
hold your breath and count to 28.
change is slow but i feel it taking shape.
folding over us like waves
on origami ocean tides, we sway

like blueprints constantly being rearranged.
over microscopes we plan and strain.

the finest print in the whitest ink,
before it dries, there’s no time to think.
it feels like everything we’ve known is sink or swim

but grey is not a compromise -
it is the bridge between two sides.
i would even argue that it is the color
that most represents God’s eyes.

hold your breath and count to 29.
connect the dots and cherish every line.

paper cuts and trails aside,
make a wish and hold it tight,
this time, we’ll try our very hardest not to try.

‘cause grey is not a compromise -
it is the bridge between two sides.
the shores on which our stubborn land
and restless seas collide.
grey is not just middle ground,
it is a truce that waits to be signed.
i would even argue that, from where we stand,
it most represents the color of God’s eyes.

so, let’s fold our atlas into paper planes.
change is slow, but i feel it taking shape.

Again, I really hope you will go to this link and read more about the meaning behind this song. It is profound and beautiful and full of significance. It's not a long story, won't take you long to read it, and you will not regret having spent a few minutes taking it in. http://sleepingatlast.com/101010-how-it-was-made/

Looking for God

I've realized that it's just not easy to notice God's blessings when you're going through something that completely rips your world to shreds. God's blessings are all around us, but sometimes you have to be ready to recognize them, or at least know to make yourself notice them.

Even though it's June and is, what, 100 degrees outside, Aiden asked me to read God Gave Us Christmas the other day. It's one of our favorite Christmas stories because it focuses on what we feel is the real meaning of Christmas - the birth of Jesus Christ. There is mention of Santa Claus, but the mama character in the story tries to take the focus off Santa without bashing the idea of him, and brings forward the focus of God and Jesus. When Little Cub wants to go out and find Santa, mama says Santa is hard to find..but God is easy to find; God is everywhere. So, they set off on an adventure to find God and learn how God gave us Christmas. He's part of the Northern Lights, a glacier falling into the sea, a bright star shining in the darkness, and many other things they see and experience on their trip.

After reading this, I felt the need to get outside and feel some sunshine on us. Aiden wasn't really in the mood to go outside (that kid is content to stay inside most of the time!), but when I suggested we go out and "find God" ourselves, he loved that idea. So, off we went. And we found God in many things...the wind blowing through our hair, the feel of the sun on our backs, the flowers (weeds) growing along the road. I found Him in my little boy that ran and giggled in front of me.

Yesterday, Aiden asked if we could go out and find God again. Off we went for a walk around the neighborhood. As soon as we felt a breeze on our faces, Aiden whispered, "Do you feel that, mama?"

"That's God."

That kid really makes me smile.

So, this week I've learned that amidst all this difficulty and sadness and confusion going on around us, we have to stop and intentionally notice God's blessings. They're there. I've found God in several things this week... My littlest child laughing, his cuddles as we read bedtime stories. My husband, cooking yet another dinner (he has done all of the cooking since my HG kicked in a month ago) or running out to pick up something my stomach could tolerate when I couldn't eat dinner. My oldest son stopping to give me a big hug out of nowhere. The garbage man telling me I have a beautiful smile. My youngest asking to go find God and telling me where he feels Him.

Last night, I crawled into bed and felt a little person snuggle into me. Aiden has been sleeping in our bed since I got pregnant. He doesn't know I'm pregnant, but he did notice how things changed when I got sick. Sadly, he got less attention from me because I just wasn't able to do some of the things I usually do with him. I think he felt the need to be closer to me and therefore found his way back into our bed. As soon as I climb in, even though he's already asleep, he pushes his body against mine and sleeps close to me all night. Last night, he did the same, and as I lay there in the dark, I felt his soft breathing against my arm. I just let myself lie there and enjoy feeling his breath, and I felt as if I could almost hear him say, "Do you feel that, mama? That's God."

Happy Birthday, Camden!

 Camden turned 12 on June 28th...

My big, beautiful baby boy. This was taken by a family member while I was still in recovery, before even I got to hold him.

Just for fun... That's where that 11lb baby boy was hiding!

12 years ago, my biggest dream was made reality. I became a mother. The two of us have been through so very much together. My life would not be what it is today without him. Every single day, I am thankful that God trusted me to care for this little guy that is all too quickly becoming a young man.

He's always had those big, beautiful eyes...

My precious baby, who hasn't been a baby for quite a while now.

Here are pics from his birthday party. Lucky kid had a party that lasted nearly two days...

Camden's Birthday

We had a cookout Friday night, where he invited his three closest friends and their families. Boys were invited for a sleepover, and then we swam all day Saturday. It was a lot of fun! One of my favorite parts was when Camden opened his gift from me and Ryan. We couldn't give him the actual gift because it's a destination and won't take place until September, so we gave him a note with the information. After quickly reading it, his response was, "I don't get it..." It took him a few minutes, but he figured it out and was very, very excited.

Camden and Ryan are going to a Packer's game in September!

My baby boy today, at his birthday party.

It blows my mind how quickly children grow up.

Tornado

I'm not sure how much news everyone has seen about the tornadoes in North Carolina... I can't write much at the moment; we're at Ryan's office to access some electricity so we can check email and charge our cell phones. Plus, I really don't know much. We're trying to catch up on the news while we're here. We've been out of power since 3:30 Saturday and aren't sure when it will be back on. I think I just read they'll try to have it on sometime Monday. The lines are down just a mile from our house.

And yes, a tornado did hit our area. Our subdivision was hit at 3:30 yesterday. We were extremely lucky with just a tree broken and the basketball goal being knocked over. Ironically, when the wind was picking up, Ryan moved the cars to the side of the road in case the basketball goal fell, so it wouldn't damage the cars. The goal did fall but in the other direction. And the tree that broke and fell...was right next to where he moved the cars. It also happened to fall away from the cars. Others in our neighborhood did not fare as well. A lot of houses with siding torn off, some with a little more. Lots of trees uprooted, etc, etc.

The road that our subdivision turns off of has a lot of damage. We've heard the subdivision next to us is REALLY bad, but roads are blocked off, so we can't see any of it.

We are realizing how lucky we were. We didn't even know there was a tornado until after it happened... We were watching the news, and just as they were telling that the storm was heading toward Holly Springs, the electricity went out. We went upstairs to get the flashlight and could hear the wind outside. We got the light and came back downstairs to get in the closet under the stairs, but it was already over by then. The thing that scares me is how much we didn't know until after the fact. After seeing the damage in our area, that is really scary to me and I'm very thankful we're ok! We will post some pictures once we get electricity back and are able to get onto our computer.

And trust me...we'll have things ready for next time so we don't have to go upstairs for a flashlight. On our way home, we're going to buy a small battery-operated radio to keep in the hall closet and will hang a flashlight in there, as well. It scares me to know that in the time we went upstairs, where we weren't as safe, just to get a flashlight and then come back down...in that extremely short amount of time the tornado came and went. We got lucky. Very lucky.

We won't be here too long at his office, so we won't have internet access to check email, etc for much longer. If anyone wants to reach us, just text my or Ryan's phone. We're trying to save battery power, so we're not talking on the phones much, since we can't charge them. We've just gotten to read a bit of the news, and I think I saw they are trying to get power on by Monday maybe.

I hope everyone else that was around any of the tornadoes is fine!

Dirt and sweat and sunshine

"I think kids should be kids and childhood should be filled with ... you know that smell, when your kids come in and they smell like dirt and sweat and sunshine? That's what I hope for my kids." ~ Julia Roberts

Aiden. Dirty feet. From playing outside. Barefoot. LOVE.
(Photo taken August 2011.)

I read that a few years ago, and it stuck with me because that's how I feel. Kids should smell like that because they should be out playing in the dirt and sunshine, getting sweaty, being kids. Doesn't dirt, sunshine, and sweat equal happiness??

The other day Aiden had been out playing for a while. We came in, and I took him upstairs to change his diaper. Normally shoes come off the second you come in the house (there are some things outside that shoes pick up that I do not want on my carpet, where my children play while inside - seriously), but I had carried him in and up the stairs, so he still had on his crocs when I put him on the changing table. When I took them off, there were all these little bits of grass and dirt on his feet. I just love that. Now, when he takes off his crocs and has stuff like that on his feet, he gets all "get it off!" (I think he gets this from his Daddy...) and takes time to pick each and every tiny piece off. It is cute and funny to watch him. That child doesn't like to get dirty. But as I was taking off his crocs and saw his dirty little feet, cute as they could be, I couldn't help but think of the quote above and smile.

I'm not that parent who doesn't want their children to go out and get dirty. Yes, play in the sand. Yes, sit on the chalk drawing you just drew (and get chalk on your clothes). Yes, help with the gardening and make more of a mess than is necessary (or I would make doing it all myself), getting dirt all over the sidewalk, yourself, and probably me, too. Yes, PLAY. If a little dirt gets dragged in the house when you come in (but please do remember to take off your shoes at the door!), we can sweep it up. If water droplets come in, as well, we have towels.

Now, if you're sweaty...while I might think kids should run around, play hard, and get sweaty...that doesn't mean I want you to come in and hug all over me, sharing said sweat. No thanks. (I kind of think it's gross to get it *on* me. I can hear Ryan laughing at me already. Apparently I think everything is gross, while he thinks none of it is. Of course, I also don't mind the messes that come with kids and outdoor activities, while he wants things a bit - or a lot - cleaner. Some of that kind of seems backward, doesn't it? Haha!) And I don't want you leaving your soccer socks on the stairs after you just came home from a game and they are filthy - it's not that hard to take them up the steps with you (you were going anyway!) and put them in the laundry basket, right?

I do love seeing those little toddler feet with sand and dirt and grass on them. I love seeing my too-close-to-being-a-teenage boy come in with red cheeks and sweaty hair sticking to his forehead, soccer ball under his arm, asking for his water bottle. It makes me happy. It reminds me that they're kids...being kids.

One more reason...

Some days I'm reminded why I love my husband so much. Some days it just hits me out of nowhere that, man, God really knew what he was doing when he put us together. Not that I think He ever doesn't know what He's doing, but...you know what I mean.

The other day I was hit out of the blue with that thought. I was cooking dinner; Ryan wasn't even home. It wasn't about a specific thing he had done, just the fact that we see eye-to-eye on so many things and that we work so well together. It's so nice when that happens.

And then the other night, Ryan gave me a good reminder himself.

See, Aiden's night terrors calmed down a bit after Christmas. We've been really strict with his schedule and such, and he's been doing much better. But for the last week and a half, it's been pretty much nightly. Not sure why all of the sudden, but there it is. Anyway, many nights over the last couple weeks, after he has an episode or if he wakes coughing or for whatever reason, we've brought him to bed with us. It makes it easier if it continues to happen (on us, too - we don't have to get up again!). So, a couple nights after he's actually woken up, he's said, "Mama's bed..." The other night he even did it in his sleep!

One night, while Aiden was still in his crib and Ryan and I were getting ready for bed, I asked how he felt about Aiden coming into our bed more often lately. He said, "Let him." Really? "Yeah. One day he won't want to do it. And we'll miss it."

(Feel free to pause for an "awwww" moment.)

I'm tearing up now just remembering it. It was definitely one of those moments where I was more than reminded of how much I love this man. I love the kind of father he is. I love how his heart works. And I love that we see so many things similarly. It makes life so much easier.

I know many people who don't agree with bed-sharing with their kids (and I know many people that do!). This post isn't about bed-sharing/co-sleeping, etc. Totally not. Let's not make it about that. This post is about my incredible husband and those little reminders that we work together so well. I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe he is the only man I could have married and been happy with... But I am so very thankful that God lined things up for me and Ryan to meet and that we chose each other.

VBACs, Migraines, and other fun stuff

So, yesterday wasn't the most fun day ever. Could have been worse, I'm sure, but I'm certainly glad it wasn't. It started off with a small headache and just got worse from there... This post isn't just to gripe, though. It's about something I'm hoping to experience and to explain what a blessing my family is. My boys, all three of them, are incredible. :)

I had a dr appt in the morning, which means driving far from home because all of our doctors are at least three or four cities away...driving is often an hour or so, each way. Fun. I went in for a follow-up. Things were fine, but the doctor mentioned at one point (about a cyst on my ovary that wasn't changing any) that when we got pregnant again, I could just have the doctor take a look at it during the c-section. She knows I've had two and so it's assumed any more with also be sections. Well, that was a good segue into a topic that I wasn't really planning on bring up right then but would come up eventually, so I went on and brought it up... VBACs. (For anyone that doesn't know, VBAC means Vaginal Birth After Cesarean).

The problem is, not only have I had one section...but two. The first was absolutely necessary. While baby fat might squish, baby heads can only get so much smaller and no more. Camden had a very large head. After a very intense and painful labor and a few hours of pushing, an emergency c-section was necessary because his head literally would not fit through. Aiden's section...was planned. (And my what a difference between an emergency and planned! Wow.) They heard how big Camden was (11lbs - what's the big deal?) and said no way to a VBAC. At that time, we were not sure which way to go, and so we went along with what they said. Now that I know more, I wish we hadn't. But we did. What's done is done. Aiden wasn't nearly as big as expected. He still came in at 8lbs 11oz, but that's no 11-pounder. And not a big head. The big head comes from Camden's dad, so there's obviously no concern about that from this point on. The weight comes from my side, but I'm not concerned about that, either - remember, it squishes. The head was the problem.

While many places will attempt a VBAC after one section, depending on the reason for the surgery, it's harder to find people that will go for a VBA2C. My dr said they did attempt VBACs (after 1) but she didn't think they did them after 2, and on the way out, she ran into another dr in the practice who said, nope, they don't. I walked out feeling really defeated. Really. Some people will say, what's the big deal? There are risks to having VBACs. Well, yes, but there are more risks to having multiple c-sections. I want to at least have those risks weighed, look at all pros and cons of either possibilities, see what not only affects me now but also when it comes to possibly having more children, etc, etc. I might go into this more (the reasons, risks, etc) in another post at another time. But it's important to me to be given the opportunity if it is possible. There are a number of reasons. And having that option taken away...well, like I said, I felt very defeated.

On the way home, headache was getting worse. It started out a headache, now it's getting to migraine status. Quickly. We haven't decided why yet, but I've been getting them a lot lately (as in over the last six months or more - took me a while to realize they were migraines, and they've continued to get worse lately).

Then Aiden falls asleep on the way home. This is not good. Sometimes he'll go to his bed after falling asleep; sometimes not. If you saw the post on his night terrors, you know why his nap is important. Now I'm regretting having the appt so close to lunchtime, but there really wasn't a choice. And...of course, he doesn't nap once home. We tried. Really tried.

By then, my migraine was getting really bad. It soon reached the point where it might very well be the worst I have ever had. By the time Camden gets home from school, I'm lying on the couch, pretty much not able to function. He was the sweetest thing ever, trying to take care of me. He offered me something to eat about every five seconds, which was a tiny bit annoying...but I'll take that over ignoring me. It really was sweet, though, and he was so caring. I love being reminded of what a great kid he is. Aiden, who can't stand anyone to lie down (or pretend they're sleeping), finally got the hint that mom didn't feel well and showed a bit of sweetness, too. At one point, he was climbing to sit next to me, and he bumped my head really hard with his - right where my head was throbbing. I covered my face so he wouldn't see me crying about it (man, it hurt!), but he did notice after a while. He patted my face softly and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Mommy. I'm sorry." (Sniff! Sweet child.) When Ryan called to say he was on his way home (you know mama is sick if she asks him to come home...and without even hinting about it first, too!), Camden took the call. I lifted my head up to hear something over speaker-phone, and Aiden gently tried to push my head back down and said, "No, go to sleep." Seriously, how sweet are my kids?! This is totally unlike Aiden, so he must really have understood I wasn't feeling well. It did take a while...first he kept shoving toys in my face and trying to play on top of me or tell me to get up. But still.

Ryan got home around 5:00 or so, and I went up to bed. Thank God I have an awesome husband that is willing (and able) to come home a little early and just take over with everything. I didn't get to sleep until 10pm or later, but it still was nice to lie in bed, in the dark. Aiden came up for his bedtime to nurse, and then he just stayed there and slept next to me. Since he didn't nap, we were worried about a bad night, and I didn't want to have to get up in the middle of the night. He actually did fairly well. A couple times he moaned some and kicked his legs around, tossed and turned some. I was worried it would get worse, but it really didn't. Maybe he should just start out in bed with us more often...

Anyway, it was a rough day. Worst headache ever. I even had nausea with this one, and I never have that. Woke up with a tiny bit of a headache this morning, but it was the kind I can ignore and still go on about my day. That's good because it was my turn to host a playdate, and I really didn't want to cancel! So, we were able to have friends over and have a great time. Aiden is now napping right on schedule. Today is a much better day.

Now, back to the VBAC issue... I love our ob/gyn office. I really do. And so I was very disappointed to have my bubble burst before leaving. But later the dr emailed me saying that some folks over AT Duke *would* consider letting me labor and try for a natural delivery (no induction, though, which is fine with me). The practice I see is affiliated with Duke but not located in the hospital. This other group is associated with the high risk ob dept, I believe. So, hopefully we can soon set up a prepregnancy appointment and see if they can do a risk-analysis and see what they say. (Um, don't assume this means much of anything. We are not pregnant right now. We're big on planning ahead. And this is not something you want to discuss and plan AFTER getting pregnant...) I'm not betting yet that this means I definitely will get to try for a natural delivery, but I'm hopeful that it might mean I have a chance. I know other things could get in the way, too, such as a chance of placenta previa (which I dealt with during both previous pregnancies), etc. Hopefully none of that will be a concern, but you never know. We'll just have to wait and see what they think after hearing my history, etc. Not sure how soon that will happen, but I'll update.