What's in a Name? Part 2

My last post, way back in April, was to share our baby's name and the meaning behind her name. The baby that was growing in me, healthy and strong. Thriving. That baby is now with us, in our arms. We truly are blessed. Today's post is not about that, though.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Today is about taking time to honor all of those that have lost their babies. And to remember those babies.

Of course, anyone who has lost a baby knows that not a day goes by without remembering. It's simply not possible.

Today, in honor of our three little lost babies, I want to share their names. Before now, we have only shared their names with their grandparents, but we want the world to know...these babies were so very wanted, these babies were real, they have names that we can speak out loud. After we made the news public about our miscarriages, an old friend from high school got in touch with me, as she had also been through three miscarriages. She sent me a book that she read that helped her, Heaven is for Real. The book itself isn't about miscarriage, but one chapter specifically brings up the topic. I don't want to give anything away for those that haven't read the book (and if you haven't, please do!), but it was significant to us. Ryan and I both read the book, and we also both felt compelled to name our babies after reading the part about miscarriage and babies that never got to be in their parents' arms. We just couldn't shake the feeling that we needed to name them... We took some time to carefully pick names we really loved, that had special meaning to us, that could be for boys or girls (since we didn't know the sex of any of our lost babies). And here are their names and their meanings...

Honour Adiel (honor; adornment of the Lord) (middle name pronounced ah-dee-ehl)

Aine Lani (radiance; sky/heaven) (Aine is pronounced AWN-ya and Lani is pronounced LAH-nee)

Aster Sloane (star; fighter) We saw this baby's heart beating, saw it fighting to live and grow. But I felt something in my gut the first time we went for an ultrasound, that something wasn't quite right, even though we were told everything was fine. So, we moved forward and were hopeful. My body agreed that I was pregnant; I even suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum during the full first trimester, as I have with all of my living children. The second ultrasound, however, completely broke me as we learned we had lost yet another baby. You are never prepared for news like that. This little one had joined the others, in the stars...

(We debated on the name of the middle one, as nobody really would know how to pronounce it without us explaining. But changing the spelling changed the meaning, and we loved it as it was. It's not a name many will need to know how to pronounce, so what really matters is what we wanted and not what others can say. So, we kept it as it is.)

Those are our babies. The babies we will never get to hold or see or smell, not while we are on this earth. But they were in my body. They were real. And they were loved.

Looking for God

I've realized that it's just not easy to notice God's blessings when you're going through something that completely rips your world to shreds. God's blessings are all around us, but sometimes you have to be ready to recognize them, or at least know to make yourself notice them.

Even though it's June and is, what, 100 degrees outside, Aiden asked me to read God Gave Us Christmas the other day. It's one of our favorite Christmas stories because it focuses on what we feel is the real meaning of Christmas - the birth of Jesus Christ. There is mention of Santa Claus, but the mama character in the story tries to take the focus off Santa without bashing the idea of him, and brings forward the focus of God and Jesus. When Little Cub wants to go out and find Santa, mama says Santa is hard to find..but God is easy to find; God is everywhere. So, they set off on an adventure to find God and learn how God gave us Christmas. He's part of the Northern Lights, a glacier falling into the sea, a bright star shining in the darkness, and many other things they see and experience on their trip.

After reading this, I felt the need to get outside and feel some sunshine on us. Aiden wasn't really in the mood to go outside (that kid is content to stay inside most of the time!), but when I suggested we go out and "find God" ourselves, he loved that idea. So, off we went. And we found God in many things...the wind blowing through our hair, the feel of the sun on our backs, the flowers (weeds) growing along the road. I found Him in my little boy that ran and giggled in front of me.

Yesterday, Aiden asked if we could go out and find God again. Off we went for a walk around the neighborhood. As soon as we felt a breeze on our faces, Aiden whispered, "Do you feel that, mama?"

"That's God."

That kid really makes me smile.

So, this week I've learned that amidst all this difficulty and sadness and confusion going on around us, we have to stop and intentionally notice God's blessings. They're there. I've found God in several things this week... My littlest child laughing, his cuddles as we read bedtime stories. My husband, cooking yet another dinner (he has done all of the cooking since my HG kicked in a month ago) or running out to pick up something my stomach could tolerate when I couldn't eat dinner. My oldest son stopping to give me a big hug out of nowhere. The garbage man telling me I have a beautiful smile. My youngest asking to go find God and telling me where he feels Him.

Last night, I crawled into bed and felt a little person snuggle into me. Aiden has been sleeping in our bed since I got pregnant. He doesn't know I'm pregnant, but he did notice how things changed when I got sick. Sadly, he got less attention from me because I just wasn't able to do some of the things I usually do with him. I think he felt the need to be closer to me and therefore found his way back into our bed. As soon as I climb in, even though he's already asleep, he pushes his body against mine and sleeps close to me all night. Last night, he did the same, and as I lay there in the dark, I felt his soft breathing against my arm. I just let myself lie there and enjoy feeling his breath, and I felt as if I could almost hear him say, "Do you feel that, mama? That's God."

Six months of hell. And counting.

Lots of folks are wondering what has been going on with us lately. We've been waiting and hoping to share some good news, but it seems like we're going to have to wait a bit longer for that. So, we'll just come on and tell it without the good.

We've been trying to grow our family. And while we're apparently pretty fertile, we're not having luck with staying pregnant, for some reason. I have now had three miscarriages. All in the last six months. One in January. Another in early April, over Easter weekend. We are currently pregnant, and the second ultrasound that took place on Friday, showed the baby no longer has a beating heart and stopped growing probably a couple weeks ago. A missed miscarriage - the baby has died but my body hasn't figured it out yet, still acts like I'm pregnant. I believe at this point I can say, without being dramatic, that this has been the worst year of my life. Throw in most emotional, as well.

I had high hopes for 2012, but so far, it has not been good to us.

As you can imagine, we are crushed. broken. confused. defeated. worn down. These babies were so, so very wanted. There are tons of emotions going through us. I dealt with a lot of anger with the first miscarriage. Several days and nights were spent with me screaming at God, cursing at Him, throwing things at him (all in my mind)... I know He can handle all the anger I can throw at Him, and I needed to be able to go through that. Mostly now we're sad and confused and trying to sort through all other kinds of emotions and thoughts running through us.

We're also trying to make decisions about what is our next step in regards to miscarrying the baby (naturally or surgically); we're leaning toward allowing my body to try to do this naturally before relying on surgery. Meanwhile, I am still dealing with relentless nausea and taking medication for that. I have hyperemesis gravidarum, which means I have extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancies. This time around, it has been "mild," meaning I have mostly had the extreme, nonstop nausea which has been handled mostly by medication, though I'm still very restricted on what I'm able to stomach. We've worried that the mild HG might be an indication that this pregnancy would not last, but after the first ultrasound showing a heartbeat, we were more hopeful and considered me lucky with less severe symptoms this time. Regardless, it seems like some cruel joke that I've had to deal with these symptoms for a month now and will continue to have them until after the miscarriage has finished and my hcg levels return to zero, however long that will take, assuming we do it naturally. How unfair to have these symptoms when nothing is even coming from them.

As much as I hate to admit it, I kind of tried not to get as attached to this baby. But...how do you even do that?? It's nearly impossible. Ok, it is impossible - for me, at least. Lately I decided to give up on that and instead think positively and tell that little one to hang in there. I guess it doesn't really matter, and things will happen the way they're going to happen regardless. I've tried from the start of this pregnancy (which we found out about at less than three weeks along, so very early on) to prepare myself to lose another baby, but again, how do you do that? Nothing at all prepares you to lie there and see the screen with the ultrasound images, knowing the baby is supposed to have developed more, hearing nothing but silence. Until the ultrasound tech says it out loud and shows where the heartbeat should be seen. Nothing prepares you for that.

We have been fortunate to have wonderful friends and family supporting us through all of this over the last several months. The doctors office we have chosen has been incredible, as well. We chose the office specifically for its VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) reputation. Last year, we chose to put off having this baby for a year until we could change insurance to be able to see the doctors at that office. We love them for their views on VBACs and natural birth methods, but they have also been amazing in helping us deal with the first two miscarriages, preparing for HG and dealing with it during this pregnancy, and now are helping immensely as we figure out how to handle this next miscarriage. I've been so pleased with their friendly approach and just reaching out to me. Some have hugged me when they knew I was scared, some remembered me from blood work after the first miscarriage (when we returned for more blood work during this third pregnancy, months later), I have been reassured they are there to support me and answer any questions, however small or silly I might consider them to be. I have just felt so welcomed and supported there, which means more than I can say. We'll be seeing them more soon, of course, as we now meet the requirements for "recurrent miscarriage" and all the testing that goes along with trying to find out why suddenly I can't seem to stay pregnant. I've never had problems like this before, and we feel we are at our healthiest right now, so we're more than confused as to why this is happening now. Hopefully we can find some answers, though we know those odds aren't really in our favor. Most of the time, the cause is unknown.

Why post about something so personal, you might be wondering... I don't feel like this is something that should be taboo to talk about, for one thing. So many women have miscarriages, and despite how common it really is, it is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. It is emotionally and physically painful. Nobody should have to deal with it at all, but especially no one should go through it alone. While many of our friends do know about this, so many do not. And we're at the point where it will be harder and more exhausting to act as if things are great when we're around people who don't know than it would be just to say it is happening. I have a hard time putting up a facade and pretending things are ok when my world is falling apart. When we share what we're living through, we also are allowing others to pray for us and help us through this. This is not something we want to go through alone, and we don't wish to cut ourselves off from others who can help. Even though several friends and family do know about what we've been going through over the last 6 months, it's still been very easy to feel lonely. In fact, it's been a really lonely time for me, despite the support we have had. I can't imagine going through this with no support and how isolated one could easily feel. I've realized, since we shared the news of our first miscarriage with others close to us, that opening up about it helps others to open up about what they have been through or are even currently experiencing. I can't help but think maybe if more of us speak out about these things, someone else might feel comfortable reaching out and might feel less alone in their own pain from similar experiences.

In case you're wondering about the boys... Camden does know about this. He's too old to hide it from, and he's known about everything from the beginning. I don't think he quite knows how to feel about the losses, and he is very confused about why it keeps happening. He's at a good age, I guess, where he can understand logically what is going on and knows we're upset, but he isn't quite at the point where it truly upsets him a lot (and that's fine with us; we don't want him to be too upset about this). Aiden, however, is too young to get it, we believe. We haven't told him about the losses or the latest pregnancy, even though he knew I was sick. He was there when we had the ultrasound on Friday, and he had to witness me breaking down with the news about the baby. Thankfully, he has just accepted hearing that "mommy is sad" when he sees me crying, and he doesn't really question it. He's asked about the doctor and what they've said to me, but he has been ok with answers such as "mommy is ok" or that the doctor will help make me feel better. I feel bad not being completely honest with him, but we really don't think he would understand what is going on at his age. And honestly, maybe a part of this is that we're not sure how to deal with talking to a very young child about this. (Any others that have dealt with something like this are welcome to chime in with their thoughts.) 

So, here we are... We're not sure what the next few weeks will be like for us. I still have this baby in me that is not growing. Hopefully things can happen naturally, as we feel that is best and safest in many ways. But if we need to go through with it, we also have a D and C as a last resort. Either way, there will be pain. Lots of pain and lots of different kinds of pain. And then testing. And waiting for healing before we can move forward with trying again. I'm now realizing how naive I have always been about pregnancy. While I've always been in awe of how amazing it is, I'm now acutely aware of how difficult it truly is for all the million things that need to fall into place just right in order for a healthy baby to grow inside of my body. I have faith that we will have a successful pregnancy and have this next baby one day. We're not ready to give up. Our family is not yet complete. I don't understand at all why things are happening this way (trust me, I ask "why?" at least every five seconds), but I hope that one day I will be able to make more sense of it all.

Busy Few Days

We had a busy few days recently. Lots going on! Fun stuff...but busy. :)

I took the boys to one of Camden's favorite museums on Earth Day last week. We took it slow and didn't rush through anything - and didn't worry if we missed seeing something, either. It was a nice change. Don't you hate going to the zoo or somewhere that has SO much to see and then feeling like you rushed the entire time just so you could see it all?? What's the point? (If you really think about it...) We realized we would much rather miss some stuff and really get to enjoy what we DID see. We had a great time! Aiden loved just about everything, too. He didn't nap, which I was prepared for, but he did really well...and did fall asleep while walking in the parking lot to the car at the end of the day! Of course.

The only bad part of the day was the hives that mysteriously showed up on his cheek during lunch. I brought our lunches from home and we used a roll-up placemat that we take everywhere (love this thing!), so he didn't eat anything he shouldn't have. When he was out of the stroller walking, we made sure he didn't touch any plants, etc. (There's a huge outdoor component to the museum - it really is an awesome museum with TONS to do!) The hives were on his cheek close to his ear, and we couldn't figure out where they might have come from. We even talked to someone at the museum... Hives are kind of new to me still, so we wanted to check to make sure it wasn't a bug bite or something from a plant he may have touched. They confirmed it looked like hives and even went as far as to give the whole family a free pass another day (which I totally did not expect). We're still not sure what it's from, and they ended up spreading down to his chin over the next hour. They never seemed to bother him at all - just me and Camden! And then they went away... It's still a mystery!

Pictures...

Museum of Life & Science - Earth Day 2010

When I asked Camden what his most/least favorite parts of the day were... Favorite: Two butterflies landed on him in the conservatory. Least favorite: Aiden's hives. Aside from the hives, it was a GREAT day, though. Aiden slept in the car on the way home, and we stopped to say hi to Daddy, since we passed his office going home. We quickly realized that was a mistake. Ryan opened the car door, realized Aiden was asleep and we weren't getting out, and closed the door. It woke Aiden up, and he screamed the next 30 minutes it took to get home. That part wasn't so much fun for any of us.

Then Saturday, Ryan threw me a 30th Birthday cookout with some friends. He bought way too much food, and we didn't get many pictures b/c we were so busy talking with everyone. It was a lot of fun, though. :) We don't normally do much for our own birthdays, but he decided to do a little something extra since it was the big 3-0. The rain held off until just after the cookout, too, which was really nice.

Pictures... (Ok, this album has ALL the April pictures, not just ones from the cookout.)

2010 April

Sunday... Aiden went to the nursery at church for the very first time. He did really well. That's because Mommy stayed in there, though. ;) He's very attached right now and has a difficult time being away from me, so we're trying to transition him as easily as possible. I just signed up to be the extra helper for that service, and I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible. Every now and then, he would realize I wasn't right next to him and would start turning around, looking at all sides of himself, saying "Mommy...? Mommy...?" in the most pitiful voice possible - until I reassured him I was right there. But for the most part he was fine. We've put off doing this for a few reasons...mostly b/c of how easily he gets sick (and being around more kids in this kind of setting might increase some colds at first, especially if we did it during cold/flu season) and also b/c of his food allergies/intolerances. They sit very closely together when having snack, so we do worry about him getting the snacks served, even though we always bring his snack (wherever we go!). He can't have any of the things they have on the snack menu. So, next week, Ryan will go in with Aiden and stay as the volunteer. If that goes well, Ryan will attempt to drop Aiden off in there the week after...leaving him while we both try to sit through the service, sans baby. We'll see how it goes!

So, after church, Aiden ended up falling asleep on the way home (we went to the 9am service, and the drive home is about half an hour). We thought we would let him take a short nap and put him in bed...he miraculously slept a total of three hours! This is UNHEARD of (he did wake up extra early, as in around 4am or so, but even when that happens...a three-hour nap never happens!). After the long nap, we headed back to Cary (close to church, actually) to go strawberry picking!! They're in season here and they are soooo super sweet. There are also TONS, so it took us no time to get four full buckets. It was a lot of fun. I think even Ryan had to admit it wasn't so bad. ;) Aiden and I went back yesterday with some friends and got a bit more, too! I have a feeling we'll be back a couple more times before the season is over. Our freezer will be FULL of strawberries to last us until next season!

Pictures of the strawberry pickin'...

Strawberry Picking! Spring 2010

Enjoy all the pictures!

Playing Catch Up...

Yeah, it's been a while. We have good excuses. Don't we always??

After Aiden got that nasty stomach bug, he passed it onto me. How would I not get it when he threw up all over me about 20 times? All over meaning sometimes...it went into my shirt. You wanted that visual didn't you? He had it worse the one day, but he continued to throw up at least once each day for the next few days. It took a while for him to recover and go back to eating normally, probably for fear he would keep throwing it all back up. Poor guy. :(

Then it was Easter and we had family in for that next week. Ryan's mom came to visit, which is always fun. Aiden had a blast with her especially and would ask for her when he was supposed to be going to sleep or doing other things he might not have wanted to be doing. I think he knew she might rescue him... ;) When she left for home, she took Camden, who is now visiting with his dad for the week. And since, Aiden and I have been running like crazy doing all the things we couldn't do while sick or entertaining company. So, we've been a tad busy.

Easter... We went back to our "home" church, where the service was actually held at an amphitheater in town instead of the actual church. (Another post for another time, but we've been back and forth about what church to attend, as we have moved farther away from our old church, and for other reasons. But we keep finding ourselves drawn back to it... More later. I hope. If I get time. For the many posts I keep wanting to put up...) Anyway, the service was HUGE, and it was incredible to see so many there celebrating together. I haven't heard the final count, but there were thousands. Back home, Aiden got a new Bible and a puzzle with animals. He adores both. He carries his Bible everywhere he can, saying "Bi-bi" and "Jeeees" (Bible and Jesus). Camden got some new books, too, one being his first daily devotional, and a t-shirt. We try to keep the Easter baskets full of things that represent what the holiday means to us. True...the puzzle might not seem to fit...but there were animals on the Arc, right? ;) And wait...no mention of candy?? Yep. No candy this year. Nobody noticed, either. Camden didn't ask or seem to care or even realize it was missing. He also got the new Toby Mac cd from MaMaw, and he was too thrilled about that to care for candy anyway, even if there had been some!

We have eaten out a couple times over the last week. (Eating out isn't a common occurrence for various reasons. Money. Food allergies....) We discovered that P.F. Chang's has an awesome gluten-free menu. And after ordering but before being served, we also discovered that all of their meats are marinated with eggs the night before, meaning Aiden couldn't have anything with meat, meaning that the only thing on the g-free menu he could eat was veggie stir-fry. He did not seem to care and loved it! Another discovery...their chocolate cake is probably THE best chocolate cake ever. Then last night we went to The Melting Pot for my birthday (well, mine and Ryan's, since we're just a week apart). Don't tell Camden!! He might not be so happy to find out we went without him... They also have a ton of gluten-free options and have a good menu telling you what you cannot eat. Only one meat has egg in the marinade, but it wasn't even one they had with the Big Night Out this time around. We had to make few substitutions so that Aiden could eat...leaving out the pot-stickers and getting extra chicken. And we almost forgot there was beer as a base with the Fiesta Cheese (the one we almost always get), so we just subbed with white wine, and it was fine. No chips or bread for the little guy, only two of the sauces (one of which he just loved with everything)...and for dessert he was stuck with fruit. But he was just fine with all of that. He ate fairly well!! And I'm very pleased that more places are getting on board with gluten-free menus and are actually aware of what all it involves!

Aiden turned 20-months-old. I'll get to that post next. Soon, I hope.

And today...today I turn 30. Most of all, it's just another day. It's not such a big deal that I am the big 3-0...but it just sounds strange to say I'm that age. It's like I am officially an "adult" now, even though I've been an adult for quite a while. I mean, I do have a husband, two children (one of which is about to turn 11!), a house, etc, etc, etc... But for some reason, being 30 seems to make it official. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Last night, after getting Aiden to bed, Ryan and I turned on Friends. We have the entire series on DVD and watch it every now and then. We start from the beginning and watch through to the end. And then do it all over again. So, last night, the next show for us to watch just happened to be "The one where they all turn 30." No kidding. Pretty funny, in a way. Some of them were talking about what they had or hadn't accomplished by this time. In a way, I've accomplished a heck of a lot. A bachelor's degree, a master's degree, I'm married, I have two kids...that's a lot. But I do feel that there is a ton that I haven't accomplished. I still don't have a career or know what I want to be "when I grow up." And here I suddenly am "grown up." I often go through the day just getting through the day...running errands, taking care of the kids, making dinner...and sometimes wonder what I'm not doing that I should. Is there something more profound I should be doing, too? Thanks Friends, right. (No, I wonder this all the time. With or without Friends to throw it in my face.)

Aiden has made the day so nice and easy...waking at 5am and refusing to go back to sleep. Taking over two hours, with plenty of yelling at me, before he would finally go to sleep for naptime. And the day is not over!! What more should I expect, right? He doesn't know it's mommy's birthday! ;) And now I'm going to go outside and do some yard work. BUT tonight...there will be cake. After our yummy and very filling (too filling) meal last night, we made a stop by P.F. Chang's and grabbed some of that chocolate cake to eat tonight. I'm still deciding if I'm going to share....

PS - Pics of everything in the April album online:

2010 April

Where Are You, God?

Yesterday was a terrible day. A friend of mine is really going through it and needed some things to work in her favor. They did not. I won't be sharing what is going on - it is not my story to tell. But I will share some of what I am feeling about it.

We have been praying so much for God's will to shine through in this situation. She has been; I have been; many others have been. Her relationship with God and her faith have grown so much over the past couple years, and it has really helped her through this. She has trusted that God is in control. But what happened in the end...I can't possibly see how it is God's will. It is something that any mother would struggle enormously with. My friend lives in another state, so I can't be there to support her the way I want. Even if I was there, I couldn't fix this the way I wish I could. I can't take the pain away or make things right. My heart is breaking for her, and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

After talking with her on the phone yesterday, I couldn't help but think some things that I don't like admitting...
Where were you, God? How is this in your plan?? How could you let this happen?

I trust that God has a plan for each of us and that he looks out for us, never giving us more than we can handle and always using our trials to bring us closer to him. But at the same time, I do not understand what is happening! I don't know why He is allowing this. And I am angry with him for what this family is going through.

Yesterday was a terrible day. For many of us. My entire perspective on a lot of things changed immediately when I heard the news. Those new gdiapers I thought I just had to have - I really don't care about now. Dinner out to a nice restaurant - wasn't important. The parenting discussions and other blog posts I had in mind - they can all wait. I have my family; we are healthy; we are together. That's what matters, isn't it?

Please pray for my friend and her family. Pray that God's will WILL shine through. And if what is happening IS God's will - please let it be evident HOW it is His will. What will this pain and fighting accomplish in the end? This can't possibly be the end, but I know my friend is getting tired of the fight. Pray that she get the support she needs and that she is surrounded by love. Pray that her faith is not shaken but that she leans even more on God. Pray that He shines in her and through this situation.

You Know What REALLY Irks Me??

Well, it more than irks me. I just kind of like that word.

But what really gets to me is when people make an assumption of what kind of person you are based solely on the fact that you are a Christian.

They hear that word...and suddenly they think they know all about you - your beliefs on all sorts of topics, your values, so many things.

In case you're wondering, this isn't in reference to anything that has been said on this blog - or even to me as an individual (recently, at least). It actually was thrown back in my face after reading something that someone I don't even know commented on something a friend posted on facebook. Christians this and Christians that... As if every single Christian feels/thinks/believes the exact same way on every other issue there is in this world. It's a very unfair and wrong assumption.

And I'm not sure who I am more angry towards - the many Christians that do/state things that lead to these types of assumptions or the people that just blindly believe them (which sometimes are other Christians).

But please people - just because someone states that they are a Christian - don't make assumptions and lump them in with some stereotype - and then judge them based only on that. Nobody likes to be stereotyped. Do YOU?