Our family is growing in many ways... Growing in numbers, knowledge, parenting skills, growing in love, in our faith, growing our culinary skills (if you can call it that), growing without gluten (some of us), growing green...........

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Six months of hell. And counting.

Lots of folks are wondering what has been going on with us lately. We've been waiting and hoping to share some good news, but it seems like we're going to have to wait a bit longer for that. So, we'll just come on and tell it without the good.

We've been trying to grow our family. And while we're apparently pretty fertile, we're not having luck with staying pregnant, for some reason. I have now had three miscarriages. All in the last six months. One in January. Another in early April, over Easter weekend. We are currently pregnant, and the second ultrasound that took place on Friday, showed the baby no longer has a beating heart and stopped growing probably a couple weeks ago. A missed miscarriage - the baby has died but my body hasn't figured it out yet, still acts like I'm pregnant. I believe at this point I can say, without being dramatic, that this has been the worst year of my life. Throw in most emotional, as well.

I had high hopes for 2012, but so far, it has not been good to us.

As you can imagine, we are crushed. broken. confused. defeated. worn down. These babies were so, so very wanted. There are tons of emotions going through us. I dealt with a lot of anger with the first miscarriage. Several days and nights were spent with me screaming at God, cursing at Him, throwing things at him (all in my mind)... I know He can handle all the anger I can throw at Him, and I needed to be able to go through that. Mostly now we're sad and confused and trying to sort through all other kinds of emotions and thoughts running through us.

We're also trying to make decisions about what is our next step in regards to miscarrying the baby (naturally or surgically); we're leaning toward allowing my body to try to do this naturally before relying on surgery. Meanwhile, I am still dealing with relentless nausea and taking medication for that. I have hyperemesis gravidarum, which means I have extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancies. This time around, it has been "mild," meaning I have mostly had the extreme, nonstop nausea which has been handled mostly by medication, though I'm still very restricted on what I'm able to stomach. We've worried that the mild HG might be an indication that this pregnancy would not last, but after the first ultrasound showing a heartbeat, we were more hopeful and considered me lucky with less severe symptoms this time. Regardless, it seems like some cruel joke that I've had to deal with these symptoms for a month now and will continue to have them until after the miscarriage has finished and my hcg levels return to zero, however long that will take, assuming we do it naturally. How unfair to have these symptoms when nothing is even coming from them.

As much as I hate to admit it, I kind of tried not to get as attached to this baby. But...how do you even do that?? It's nearly impossible. Ok, it is impossible - for me, at least. Lately I decided to give up on that and instead think positively and tell that little one to hang in there. I guess it doesn't really matter, and things will happen the way they're going to happen regardless. I've tried from the start of this pregnancy (which we found out about at less than three weeks along, so very early on) to prepare myself to lose another baby, but again, how do you do that? Nothing at all prepares you to lie there and see the screen with the ultrasound images, knowing the baby is supposed to have developed more, hearing nothing but silence. Until the ultrasound tech says it out loud and shows where the heartbeat should be seen. Nothing prepares you for that.

We have been fortunate to have wonderful friends and family supporting us through all of this over the last several months. The doctors office we have chosen has been incredible, as well. We chose the office specifically for its VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) reputation. Last year, we chose to put off having this baby for a year until we could change insurance to be able to see the doctors at that office. We love them for their views on VBACs and natural birth methods, but they have also been amazing in helping us deal with the first two miscarriages, preparing for HG and dealing with it during this pregnancy, and now are helping immensely as we figure out how to handle this next miscarriage. I've been so pleased with their friendly approach and just reaching out to me. Some have hugged me when they knew I was scared, some remembered me from blood work after the first miscarriage (when we returned for more blood work during this third pregnancy, months later), I have been reassured they are there to support me and answer any questions, however small or silly I might consider them to be. I have just felt so welcomed and supported there, which means more than I can say. We'll be seeing them more soon, of course, as we now meet the requirements for "recurrent miscarriage" and all the testing that goes along with trying to find out why suddenly I can't seem to stay pregnant. I've never had problems like this before, and we feel we are at our healthiest right now, so we're more than confused as to why this is happening now. Hopefully we can find some answers, though we know those odds aren't really in our favor. Most of the time, the cause is unknown.

Why post about something so personal, you might be wondering... I don't feel like this is something that should be taboo to talk about, for one thing. So many women have miscarriages, and despite how common it really is, it is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. It is emotionally and physically painful. Nobody should have to deal with it at all, but especially no one should go through it alone. While many of our friends do know about this, so many do not. And we're at the point where it will be harder and more exhausting to act as if things are great when we're around people who don't know than it would be just to say it is happening. I have a hard time putting up a facade and pretending things are ok when my world is falling apart. When we share what we're living through, we also are allowing others to pray for us and help us through this. This is not something we want to go through alone, and we don't wish to cut ourselves off from others who can help. Even though several friends and family do know about what we've been going through over the last 6 months, it's still been very easy to feel lonely. In fact, it's been a really lonely time for me, despite the support we have had. I can't imagine going through this with no support and how isolated one could easily feel. I've realized, since we shared the news of our first miscarriage with others close to us, that opening up about it helps others to open up about what they have been through or are even currently experiencing. I can't help but think maybe if more of us speak out about these things, someone else might feel comfortable reaching out and might feel less alone in their own pain from similar experiences.

In case you're wondering about the boys... Camden does know about this. He's too old to hide it from, and he's known about everything from the beginning. I don't think he quite knows how to feel about the losses, and he is very confused about why it keeps happening. He's at a good age, I guess, where he can understand logically what is going on and knows we're upset, but he isn't quite at the point where it truly upsets him a lot (and that's fine with us; we don't want him to be too upset about this). Aiden, however, is too young to get it, we believe. We haven't told him about the losses or the latest pregnancy, even though he knew I was sick. He was there when we had the ultrasound on Friday, and he had to witness me breaking down with the news about the baby. Thankfully, he has just accepted hearing that "mommy is sad" when he sees me crying, and he doesn't really question it. He's asked about the doctor and what they've said to me, but he has been ok with answers such as "mommy is ok" or that the doctor will help make me feel better. I feel bad not being completely honest with him, but we really don't think he would understand what is going on at his age. And honestly, maybe a part of this is that we're not sure how to deal with talking to a very young child about this. (Any others that have dealt with something like this are welcome to chime in with their thoughts.) 

So, here we are... We're not sure what the next few weeks will be like for us. I still have this baby in me that is not growing. Hopefully things can happen naturally, as we feel that is best and safest in many ways. But if we need to go through with it, we also have a D and C as a last resort. Either way, there will be pain. Lots of pain and lots of different kinds of pain. And then testing. And waiting for healing before we can move forward with trying again. I'm now realizing how naive I have always been about pregnancy. While I've always been in awe of how amazing it is, I'm now acutely aware of how difficult it truly is for all the million things that need to fall into place just right in order for a healthy baby to grow inside of my body. I have faith that we will have a successful pregnancy and have this next baby one day. We're not ready to give up. Our family is not yet complete. I don't understand at all why things are happening this way (trust me, I ask "why?" at least every five seconds), but I hope that one day I will be able to make more sense of it all.


Kevin A. Puckett said...

Honestly and beautifully written. You are right, you can bring everything you have (good and bad) to God, He can handle it. You are wise to accept the strength, prayers, and faith of others. The one who holds the world and your world, will make all things beautiful in time. Please know your family has been in my prayers. I always feel like I am teetering in between giving someone their own private space to grieve and stepping in to show my support and love. Just know you were not forgotten. Emily

Abbie said...

Daisy, I am so sorry - and I appreciate your honesty! I, too, have experienced the heart-wrenching loss of a baby, I cannot imagine having to repeat that pain again! There are hardly words that can truly help, but for me I had to make a choice - to trust God and believe that he was faithful, or fall apart and let the misery overtake me - I chose to trust God, and though it made no sense to me, I knew he was crying with me! I have never experienced a closeness with God as I did in those months right after, as I let him carry me through what I could not get through on my own! I hope that you can find peace, and I will commit to praying for you, for answers, and for healing!
-Abbie D.

Megan @ Restoring the Roost said...

I am so so sorry you have having to go through this pain and heartbreak, Daisy. I know how easy it is wonder "why" (after myself trying for a year and a half now to concieve with no success) but when it comes down to it we do have to trust that God has a plan in all of this. He grieves with us and sometimes I feel that I find His presence more in those times when I fall apart. I cannot imagine having three losses in our ttc journey as you have had, that would certainly make it so much more difficult. Hang in there and know that we are praying for you and you are not alone. Jesus said we will have troubles in this world, but to fear not, because He has overcome!!

Kara said...

I am so sorry for your losses. My thoughts are with you and your family

Big 'un said...

I'm very sorry Daisy. I can't imagine how difficult that is.

Jenni P said...

I am so so sorry for your losses. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Donna said...

Oh Daisy, I am so very sorry to hear how much heartbreak you have had to endure this year. Miscarriage is such a hard thing to talk about, but you showed a lot of courage to share your pain and loss with all of us. I experienced an ectopic pregnancy/miscarriage in '08, and was so surprised that so many of the moms in my life had experienced the specific loss that miscarriage brings - I think women should talk about it, to comfort each other, and to not feel alone. We will be praying for daily comfort and strength for you and your family, friend.

Bonnie Jones said...

Daisy, I am so sorry. You are such a wonderful person and mother, and these things should just never happen to such good people. I am sending so much love your way. Be kind to yourself. xoxo

Eloquent English said...
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Daisy @ Our Growing Family said...

Thank you all. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for all of your encouraging words (as we go through this and for sharing it), for your prayers, and thank you to those that have had to endure other fertility issues and have shared them with me. I know some of us struggle in similar or different ways, and it can be so difficult and lonely to go through. I think it's so important to be able to open up and share these things to help each other heal.

I do believe God has a plan and one day things will make more sense. We're still in such a painful stage with this that it's hard to step back and remember that some days. It doesn't make sense now, but I trust that one day we will look back and better understand things. I have spent so much of the last couple years praying over our situation and these babies, and I will continue to do so. I don't know the why - or if we'll ever know the why - behind all of this. I do trust that we are meant to have at least one more child. Hopefully we won't have to go through much more heartache before that child can become a reality and not just a dream. Thanks for all the prayers and comments. They are MUCH appreciated!